This morning, my sinuses feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night because I kept hearing my cats make noise all over my house. The only problem with that? My cats both stayed at the vet last night.
Which of course means I'm missing my kitties because I haven't seen them in two days. I'm sitting here at work when I'd rather be curled up in my bed drinking hot tea or chicken noodle soup.
Do you feel sorry for me? Sympathetic?
But at least I'm inside where it is warm and dry rather than working outside in the snow or rain.
But at least my kitties are both actually still living and simply had to stay at the vet overnight due to some construction at my house.
Those sinuses? Probably not a cold, but just the day after breathing in a bit too much dust from my house .... where I am having my kitchen and bathroom rebuilt.
Still have sympathy for me?
This morning I watched an excellent video about empathy and sympathy on Facebook. I highly recommend it. The Power of Empathy! It really caught my attention because only last night I was emailing my therapist and telling him I felt I needed to be a bit less empathetic.
The first time I ever really considered the difference between empathy and sympathy was when I was reading a self-help book I found at a thrift store. It was called Know Your People and had been published by some church. (Sorry, I don't remember which one.) The premise was if you can understand other people's behaviors, you can populate your world with people who help you rather than hurt you. The only takeaway I had from the book was a little story about a man whose wife sympathized with him. The man had always wanted to be a writer. In terms of actually writing and getting the work done, he was a writer, but he had never been published. By the time he married, he had an entire shoebox of rejection letters. His wife watched him write. She knew about his shoebox and when he received his first "Sorry we're not interested at this time" after their wedding, she put her arms around him and said,
"I'm sorry, honey. Here you put all that work into your book and no one appreciated it. Maybe you should just take a break from writing for awhile."
The man never wrote again. The story really caught my attention because I have always wanted to be a writer and, like the man and woman, I have mistaken sympathy for love. As a matter of fact, I have only been married once, to a man who was not a bad guy, but who simply didn't live by the same rules as I did. I lived through story after story where, rather than do what I would have considered the polite and loving thing, he did the thing I found the most inconsiderate and rude. Like any ego-blocked emotionally immature 24-year-old, I simply told him how he should have behaved and kept moving forward. Then, after spending the night at his condominium, I woke up feeling much as I do today. He tucked me in with a blanket on his couch and turned on his television. Before he left for work, he checked my temperature by touching my neck or my brow and gave me a kiss goodbye. I was delighted, thinking I had finally seen an unmistakeable sign that he loved me.
There is so much wrong with my way of thinking then that I almost don't know where to begin to unravel it for you. First, I should have been looking a lot more at whether or not I loved him than whether he loved me. (Early in the relationship, my empathy for him and his childhood generally ruled the day on that front. He had a handful of embarrassing stories and hurt feelings and since I had a fistful of my own, I felt for him.) Second, I should have given a lot more weight to the incompatibility of our style of loving. It is hard to live a joyful, happy life when you are always correcting someone as to how they should treat you and it is just as difficult when someone is always correcting you. Truly loving someone means accepting him or her as is, without expecting them to get it after awhile. It means not looking for where your partner will let you down or offend you. It doesn't mean simply allowing a person to treat you badly. The first person you need to love is yourself. Do that and you will naturally attract a partner who loves him/herself and neither of you will be trying to fill an empty love bucket that can't ever quite be filled.
Sympathy kills dreams and keeps a person a victim. When we are victims, we've always been cheated in some way. We never have enough and, like one of Pavlov's dogs, we become trained to ring the poor me bell to get those drops of sympathetic attention.
What if the man's wife had had similar dreams to his? What if she had years of rejection letters herself for photography or painting. Of course, it depends on why the man wanted to be a writer. If he simply wanted to see his name on a book, perhaps it isn't such a bad thing that he stopped. But if writing was something that made him feel alive, something for which he had a true passion, wouldn't a response that encouraged him to continue working on his dream been more loving?
"I'm sorry honey. I know you must be disappointed. I've been there myself. Remember, Harry Potter wasn't accepted at the first publishing house J.K. Rowling submitted it to."
Wait a minute. Here I am advocating empathy over sympathy, but at the beginning of this blog entry, I said I had told my therapist I felt I needed to be less empathetic. How does that work?
I believe that every person has a story. Each and every one of us has these fragile little moments where we were hurt or afraid. Let me give you an example. I used to go camping up on the Mattole River with a bunch of acquaintances. I only knew one or two of the people there, so I spent most of my time hiding behind a video camera documenting the event. There were two large rocks that made for natural diving boards and one year I filmed a young girl who climbed up to the highest rock only to find herself a bit hesitant to jump in. I filmed her relentlessly, thinking what a wonderful film I would have of her overcoming her fear. Except she never did. After a half hour or so, I turned off the camera, realizing I had actually documented her failure and moment of succumbing to fear. I felt horrible. Instead of having a triumphant video to give her parents, I had a moment, perhaps beautiful in its fragility, but documenting a person's fear and weakness. Now I stopped going to those camping parties, so for all I know the girl jumped off the rock the very next year. At the time though, it felt like someone had placed a heavy thumb on my chest because, while witnessing her turn and slowly descend back down the rocks without jumping, I could remember all the times I had done something similar. I could recall and revisit just how I felt letting my actions be guided by fear.
I need to empathize less because it is a tool I usually bring out to understand someone who I believe is hurting. I never see someone who is ecstatically happy and try to touch the place inside me that felt the same. I dig into my worst moments to understand other people's behavior. Hurt people have a tendency to hurt people. I am the sort of person who believes that my best chance at protecting myself, as well as being any sort of benefit to that hurt person, is by empathizing and understanding. At the same time, there are people who have been hurt far more than simply being afraid to jump off a rock. Being able to empathize while also shielding yourself from taking on that pain is like developing a muscle. It takes time and there will be days where you can hurt yourself with the weight. Like an inexperienced lifeguard, I could be swept away myself. But even that isn't actually the reason. In my coaching lessons, I've been taught to distinguish between potential clients who are "interested" in the material and those who are "truly committed" to making a change in their life. As I told my therapist, some people are like open dirty sores and they have no intention of cleaning them. Understanding and empathizing involves taking on a bit of that pain, if only for a moment. What I've learned is it is better to limit myself to those who have willing stepped into the lifeboat. It is the more loving path for both of us. For them, because I am accepting them as they are and not expecting them to change and for me because I have more gifts to give than simply swallowing and understanding another human being's pain.
Finally in the words of my therapist, "there is something wrong when you are working harder than your client." In contrast to drowning victims, no one really saves anyone else from their emotional battles. We all save ourselves. When you keep fighting the good fight for someone who isn't fighting for himself, you are actually being dishonest, like telling someone who is standing upright at the shallow end of the pool,
"Look at you! You're swimming!"
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
The Decisions You Make
A few months back I was talking with a friend about her damaged uncle. My friend, while I'm sure she has struggled with different issues throughout her life, is one of those people who can just push through the discomfort quickly and emerge victoriously on the other side. To an outside viewer, she appears to do it effortlessly. I couldn't even begin to tell you what childhood mishaps attacked her self esteem because she never seems to have made them her home. My struggles more closely parallel those of her uncle and I found myself trying to explain why a man in the final decades of his life could still be struggling with "but my parents mistreated me." Repeated attempts made me believe three undeniable concepts are at work.
1. No matter how old a person is, if he or she can still mentally touch an open wound from past mistreatment, there will be a corresponding degree of rigidity and incapability to change and move forward. It is easy to assume the larger the pain, the greater the problems, but I don't think that necessarily plays out. Or at least not in an obvious way. For one thing, pain is individual. Most of my childhood problems were more of the "Barbie gets caught on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood" variety. There was a very funny moment in a very disturbing movie remake decades ago. The movie was "The Collector" and the laughable moment was when the heroine, already being stalked by her eventual killer, heatedly explains her discomfort to the police. "He gave me gifts!" I can't tell you how many times I've remembered that scene and my nervous laughter when I've tried to explain my relationship with my parents and why I've struggled with self esteem.
Pain is individual. We're not allowed to line up the damaged and judge whether or not they have a right to feel hurt. I believe an individual's problem moving forward stems less from how badly he was hurt than what he does with that pain. Do you remember one of your first childhood cuts or scrapes? Remember poking the wound throughout the healing process to see if it still hurt? A skinned knee will eventually scab over and that poke won't feel any different than it does to the adjacent skin. Emotional wounds don't heal the same way and repeated checks, rather than confirming or denying forward progress, tend to create a habit of negatively reaffirming your life. People who are stuck in this "Groundhog Day" of emotional pain seem to believe they can move to forgiveness when it no longer hurts and don't realize that the healing will begin (and it will hurt less) AFTER they forgive.
2. Frequently, pain colors "the damaged's" entire life. On a ten scale for difficulty, they wake up every day at about an eight. Before the red lights, traffic jams, road rage or other daily challenges, they wake up thinking: "What the hell might happen next. I don't know if I can stand much more." There's a good chance they have at least a few documentable obvious problems like debt or health issues. Their baggage contains a whole lot of entitlement because "my life has just been so hard or unfair, I really need someone to acknowledge or validate my pain." They don't need to poke the wound to see if it still hurts. It always hurts. It never goes away. That is exactly how I felt during the years leading up to my divorce as well as a few afterwards. "Can't anybody see I'm drowning here? Somebody, anybody, please throw me a line."
I was talking with a friend recently about one of her retail customers. The woman was one of those constant complainers. Nothing was right. Nothing was what she wanted. All of which added up in the customer's view to discounts she was entitled to receive as well as a free coke. I listened, all the while feeling very fortunate she had not been my customer. Then I tried to explain to my friend why the woman might be that way only to discover my friend already knew. A core limiting belief of people in that mode of thinking is "no one understands me." In reality, a lot of people do understand and aren't without empathy at your situation. They genuinely are sorry for all of the lemons life has handed you. What they don't understand is why you felt the need to build a monument to that pain and move in there. At the same time, you are not a lot of fun to be around and "if you can't find a way to "move on" emotionally, could you please just "move on" physically. Seriously, there are other stores that sell this stuff, you know?"
This sort of person is stuck where they are because everything is filtered through "me." Rather than noticing how hard the sales person may have tried before they gave up, they will be stuck in the fervent outrage of "how could they treat me that way? Don't they know the customer is always right? I'll show them. I'm never coming here again!" Never realizing the sales person is probably thinking, "You promise?"
The empathy that "damaged" is looking for is also the exit door he or she keeps missing. It is a "get what you give" world. If you aren't receiving any empathy, appreciation or consideration, there is a high likelihood you aren't giving them to anybody either. Besides which, remember that notion "pain is individual?" The worst childhood story I have ever heard involved the children of an undiagnosed schizophrenic woman who was also a single mom. For the first eight to twelve years of their lives, mom locked them in a closet every day because "the voices" told her that was where they would be safest. I don't know about you, but I know it wouldn't help my self esteem very much to be outrageously indignant about my poor treatment as a customer only to discover my persecutor's childhood was far worse than mine. That isn't even because I know it is a "get what you give" world. It is simply because I have this notion perhaps I don't deserve things I am unwilling to give to others.
3. There comes a time where it is no longer a question of what heinous things may have happened to you. If you aren't happy with your life, it isn't because of your parents, your government, your president, the Democrats or the Republicans or your boss. You are the one ultimately responsible for your life and if you aren't happy, it is exactly like the internet meme says: "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."
Maybe it is as simple as counting your blessings instead of infringements against you. Maybe the world is so offensive because you really are looking to be offended. Maybe each time your thoughts repeat the word "me," as in the sentence "how could you do this to me," you could ask yourself what they might have been feeling right before they hurt your feelings. Could you have unknowingly hurt their feelings? If that is possible, is it possible they didn't know they hurt you? Is it possible that was never their intention?
If you can't do any of that, consider this. Writers, musicians and painters frequently learn their art by emulating the voice or techniques of established masters they admire. Find someone you admire who has whatever it is you feel you lack. Success. Love. Happiness. They have it. You want it. So do what they do. Read their blog or their biography. Look up their Wikipedia. Find out as much as you can about how they have lived their life and repeat it. Fake it to make it. Repeat it every day until you are living the life you want on your own.
1. No matter how old a person is, if he or she can still mentally touch an open wound from past mistreatment, there will be a corresponding degree of rigidity and incapability to change and move forward. It is easy to assume the larger the pain, the greater the problems, but I don't think that necessarily plays out. Or at least not in an obvious way. For one thing, pain is individual. Most of my childhood problems were more of the "Barbie gets caught on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood" variety. There was a very funny moment in a very disturbing movie remake decades ago. The movie was "The Collector" and the laughable moment was when the heroine, already being stalked by her eventual killer, heatedly explains her discomfort to the police. "He gave me gifts!" I can't tell you how many times I've remembered that scene and my nervous laughter when I've tried to explain my relationship with my parents and why I've struggled with self esteem.
Pain is individual. We're not allowed to line up the damaged and judge whether or not they have a right to feel hurt. I believe an individual's problem moving forward stems less from how badly he was hurt than what he does with that pain. Do you remember one of your first childhood cuts or scrapes? Remember poking the wound throughout the healing process to see if it still hurt? A skinned knee will eventually scab over and that poke won't feel any different than it does to the adjacent skin. Emotional wounds don't heal the same way and repeated checks, rather than confirming or denying forward progress, tend to create a habit of negatively reaffirming your life. People who are stuck in this "Groundhog Day" of emotional pain seem to believe they can move to forgiveness when it no longer hurts and don't realize that the healing will begin (and it will hurt less) AFTER they forgive.
2. Frequently, pain colors "the damaged's" entire life. On a ten scale for difficulty, they wake up every day at about an eight. Before the red lights, traffic jams, road rage or other daily challenges, they wake up thinking: "What the hell might happen next. I don't know if I can stand much more." There's a good chance they have at least a few documentable obvious problems like debt or health issues. Their baggage contains a whole lot of entitlement because "my life has just been so hard or unfair, I really need someone to acknowledge or validate my pain." They don't need to poke the wound to see if it still hurts. It always hurts. It never goes away. That is exactly how I felt during the years leading up to my divorce as well as a few afterwards. "Can't anybody see I'm drowning here? Somebody, anybody, please throw me a line."
I was talking with a friend recently about one of her retail customers. The woman was one of those constant complainers. Nothing was right. Nothing was what she wanted. All of which added up in the customer's view to discounts she was entitled to receive as well as a free coke. I listened, all the while feeling very fortunate she had not been my customer. Then I tried to explain to my friend why the woman might be that way only to discover my friend already knew. A core limiting belief of people in that mode of thinking is "no one understands me." In reality, a lot of people do understand and aren't without empathy at your situation. They genuinely are sorry for all of the lemons life has handed you. What they don't understand is why you felt the need to build a monument to that pain and move in there. At the same time, you are not a lot of fun to be around and "if you can't find a way to "move on" emotionally, could you please just "move on" physically. Seriously, there are other stores that sell this stuff, you know?"
This sort of person is stuck where they are because everything is filtered through "me." Rather than noticing how hard the sales person may have tried before they gave up, they will be stuck in the fervent outrage of "how could they treat me that way? Don't they know the customer is always right? I'll show them. I'm never coming here again!" Never realizing the sales person is probably thinking, "You promise?"
The empathy that "damaged" is looking for is also the exit door he or she keeps missing. It is a "get what you give" world. If you aren't receiving any empathy, appreciation or consideration, there is a high likelihood you aren't giving them to anybody either. Besides which, remember that notion "pain is individual?" The worst childhood story I have ever heard involved the children of an undiagnosed schizophrenic woman who was also a single mom. For the first eight to twelve years of their lives, mom locked them in a closet every day because "the voices" told her that was where they would be safest. I don't know about you, but I know it wouldn't help my self esteem very much to be outrageously indignant about my poor treatment as a customer only to discover my persecutor's childhood was far worse than mine. That isn't even because I know it is a "get what you give" world. It is simply because I have this notion perhaps I don't deserve things I am unwilling to give to others.
3. There comes a time where it is no longer a question of what heinous things may have happened to you. If you aren't happy with your life, it isn't because of your parents, your government, your president, the Democrats or the Republicans or your boss. You are the one ultimately responsible for your life and if you aren't happy, it is exactly like the internet meme says: "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."
Maybe it is as simple as counting your blessings instead of infringements against you. Maybe the world is so offensive because you really are looking to be offended. Maybe each time your thoughts repeat the word "me," as in the sentence "how could you do this to me," you could ask yourself what they might have been feeling right before they hurt your feelings. Could you have unknowingly hurt their feelings? If that is possible, is it possible they didn't know they hurt you? Is it possible that was never their intention?
If you can't do any of that, consider this. Writers, musicians and painters frequently learn their art by emulating the voice or techniques of established masters they admire. Find someone you admire who has whatever it is you feel you lack. Success. Love. Happiness. They have it. You want it. So do what they do. Read their blog or their biography. Look up their Wikipedia. Find out as much as you can about how they have lived their life and repeat it. Fake it to make it. Repeat it every day until you are living the life you want on your own.
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