It's Tuesday and time for me to try to make sense of the lessons I've learned this week and the whirlwind of accompanying thoughts. This week I have been reading four books.
Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer to Near Death, to True Healing by Anita Moorjani
What if It All Goes Right? by Mindy Audlin
A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin
Cat Fear No Evil by Shirley Rousseau Murphy
Go ahead and think it. "Four books! What are you, crazy? Aren't they meant to be consumed one at a time?" I used to think that too. It came to the point where, instead of reading several books at once, I read no books at all. A foolish solution because reading has to be one of the top ten things I enjoy doing.
My coaching coach, Gil McIff, frequently says, "The cause of suffering is ignorance of our true nature." In my experience, it is a somewhat uniquely Buddhist concept and is referring to our attachment to what Eckhart Tolle would call "The World of Form." While we wear this suit of flesh, we forget that we are more than this suit of flesh.
I think that is actually limiting things a bit.
This week, I would say that the cause of all suffering with a capital "S," the life and death questions, is because of our ignorance of our true spiritual nature. The cause of the "every day" sufferings, the mere annoyances that give us road rage and petty grievances at least some of the time, might just be our ignorance of our true nature while living in that suit of flesh. In other words, not knowing who we truly are. Like forcing ourselves to read one book at a time, when our mind wants to juggle four. It turns out there is a moment in each of the books that illustrates just what I'm saying. Well, except for "Cat Fear No Evil." Cats, whether they are real living breathing ones, or fictional talking ones, always seem to know who they are.
In "Dying to Be Me" cancer survivor Anita Moorjani tells us of her multicultural upbringing and how she tried to force herself to comply with the expectations of her own culture despite having a personality which thrived on much fewer limitations.
In "What If It All Goes Right?" Mindy Audlin describes a moment I recognized as very similar to ones I myself have had, where she makes assumptions about a person based on her own beliefs of shortcomings or limitations. In other words, she judges someone as being guilty of judging her. What does she think the person is judging her about? She doesn't say it outright, but all of the things would seem to be the big bad ugly things she sometimes tells herself or hears in her head.
In A Clash of Kings, George R. R. Martin gives us poor Theon Greyjoy. Born a Greyjoy, but raised by his father's enemy Eddard Stark, Theon has no idea who he is or what he thinks. Desperate for love and acceptance, to the Starks he will always be a Greyjoy and to the Greyjoys, he seems uncomfortably indoctrinated as a Stark.
In my coaching studies, I've learned that negative emotions are good indicators that you are resisting "what is." Eckhart Tolle sees it as a special sort of madness, resisting "what is" and wanting it to be something else. These moments of mad negative resistance are also good signposts to limiting beliefs. In my case, one of them is "others will see and understand things the same way I do."
Have you ever found yourself doubting a romantic partner because "if he/she really loved me" he or she would behave in a certain way? I had the opportunity to talk with a partner I had formerly questioned like that. Before my coaching studies, I found him very aggravating and compared talking to him with talking to a dog. (As Mindy Audlin, who suggests if we are making assumptions about others, we should always make good ones, would say, it wasn't a very empowering way to view him.)
Specifically, there were times when we were together where I would have preferred he spent the night at my house or showered there instead of going home. When I mentioned it to him at the time, we both would behave as if we felt our own opinion and approach was the more sensible one. Since learning about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming,) I've come to understand that he and I have very different reference maps as to how the world works. That's at the core of why we see things differently.
At the same time, if it was just a question of different maps, why did the misunderstanding strike me as a lack of love on his part? As it happens sometimes, asking myself that question was like finding a corner piece in a jigsaw puzzle. Things suddenly made a lot more sense. You see, one of my favorite things to do in most of my relationships, has been to spend some quality time, frequently by myself, in a partner's living space. Not to do any snooping. I have never once searched a partner's drawers. For me, there is something deliciously intimate and special about sleeping where my partner sleeps or showering where he takes a shower. Every time I offered my living space to my partner, I was offering intimacy. Every time he rationally chose to go home instead, "because that's where my stuff is," I felt rejected and unloved.
My aha! takeaway? Those moments of resistance and disappointment? What if, instead of using them to judge partners as to whether or not they are a comfortable fit, we used them to better understand ourselves? After all, if we all have different maps of how the world works, how can your partner begin to understand yours if you don't understand it yourself?
At the same time, we are told that before we can truly love someone else, we have to love ourself. I don't necessarily agree with that. You see, my "self love" has always been there. It's a stubborn persistent sort of thing. I know it's there because I never really give up on myself. At the same time, I have had an instance where I was willing to sacrifice myself nearly completely for someone else because I loved him. It was a futile exercise, pointless, misguided and doomed to fail. Totally resisting "what is," in other words "mad," but that doesn't mean it wasn't "love" and it has given me a blueprint for what I need to do. With that same intensity and detailed emotion, I need to sacrifice my Theon Lovejoy-esque need for love and acceptance nearly completely. For me. Because I love me.
I think we fall in love by meeting someone, noticing things about him/her and telling ourselves stories as to who that person is. We fall in love with our own stories. This week I got to know Angela a little better. She likes to read four books at once and sleep in a bed or with a pillow scented by someone she deeply cares about. Isn't she great? I just love her.
Showing posts with label Eckhart Tolle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eckhart Tolle. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Change is a Dance with Two Left Feet
I was talking with a friend the other day and mid sharing my thoughts about what she was saying, I had an aha! moment that maybe I was completely screwed up in what I was saying. Have you ever had that moment? A sudden understanding, mid-sentence, that what you are saying might be codswallop? I had been looking at what she was talking about from a Law of Attraction point of view. She had some unpleasant things recently visit her life and I was questioning whether she had learned the lessons they brought and thereby put that particular brand of unpleasant thing to bed. (The lessons you don't learn will return until you do learn them.) The conversation brought to mind three important things:
1. The only thing that matters is this moment now. We were talking about things she had done and I was speculating, using the Law of Attraction, about them. In the moment we were talking, she had already done those things. My speculation, just ego or "data." Unimportant mind chatter that keeps we humans "busy." Besides, speculation about something that has already happened and whether or not it was the "right thing" as Eckhart Tolle would point out, is insanity. You can't rewrite moments that have already happened and the practice of obsessively revisiting them falls under doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, which Albert Einstein would point out is insanity. (In case you don't follow that one. You may be doing different things throughout time, but if you are constantly rethinking them and speculating about their accuracy, the thinking and speculating fall under "always doing the same thing.") Life is essentially one big tennis game with the ball perpetually and constantly landing in your court.
2. No matter how much I change or try to change, I end up with that moment, egg on my face, realizing I have merged the old way of being Angela into the new way of being Angela. After a lifetime of using criteria to control my own behavior so I would be a "good" or "valuable" person, I realized the other day that I come to the point where I was doing it again. This time with the Law of Attraction. I had shifted to a place where I judged actions by whether or not they would attract good things or bad things into your life. Or, in this case, my friend's life. There is no right or wrong action. I know you're going to fight me and disagree on this point, but I really think there is no right or wrong action. There is only whatever action you take. See, life may be a tennis game where the service is always coming towards you, but it is YOUR life. Those choices are YOUR choices and create your path. You know what they say about that. "No one else can walk your path. Only you." It doesn't mean I was bad or wrong to share those opinions with my friend, she is someone I care about and I was trying to be helpful.
3. My own path is the complicated dance of someone with two left feet who is always moving one step backward for every two or three forward. I think humans are always drawn to that which is familiar. No matter how much meditation or clearing on limiting beliefs, eventually my guard comes down and my subconscious drifts back to old habits. It's like setting yourself up in a new apartment in a new town and the first time you let your mind drift during your commute, you find yourself getting off the bus at your old place. The trick is, when you find yourself doing it on that larger scale, blow it off in a sheepish, "silly me" sort of way. Just like you would the bus mishap. Call it a silly freak occurrence, not something that labels you a "failure."
As my mind swum in all of this "data," I realized something else. A lot of the platitudes we use in personal growth communities, are just that, because they aren't really very useful. For instance, the one about not caring what other's opinions of you are. When you read it or somebody tells it to you, it is all about being true to yourself and not caving in to peer pressure. Many times I have told people who accused me of it, that I do not care what other people think of me. Which on the one hand is true, but on the other hand is a complete fantasy. OF COURSE, I care what people think of me. I have people I care about. People I love. For those people I sometimes edit myself or behave in ways I know will bring a smile to their face. I care that the people in my life experience me in a positive way. I enjoy people being happy to see me. I don't think that's a bad thing, but of course, it is subject to the same "nobody's home" subconscious habitual behavior. It's one thing to turn your car radio station to jazz because your friend who loves jazz is riding with you; it's entirely another to never switch the radio back to your own preferred station because no one but you likes it. In the former, you are being a gracious and thoughtful host. In the latter, you are erasing your own existence.
Still, all of it, the thoughts and labels, are all just data. Just ego "busy work" to keep you entertained while you're alive. Just like you, your ego thinks all of it is important. It thinks it has to "sort all of this out and make sense of it." We gather our data and cling to it as if it will allow us to hold onto our past or somehow predict our future. None of it matters.
What does matter is what you do right now.
1. The only thing that matters is this moment now. We were talking about things she had done and I was speculating, using the Law of Attraction, about them. In the moment we were talking, she had already done those things. My speculation, just ego or "data." Unimportant mind chatter that keeps we humans "busy." Besides, speculation about something that has already happened and whether or not it was the "right thing" as Eckhart Tolle would point out, is insanity. You can't rewrite moments that have already happened and the practice of obsessively revisiting them falls under doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, which Albert Einstein would point out is insanity. (In case you don't follow that one. You may be doing different things throughout time, but if you are constantly rethinking them and speculating about their accuracy, the thinking and speculating fall under "always doing the same thing.") Life is essentially one big tennis game with the ball perpetually and constantly landing in your court.
2. No matter how much I change or try to change, I end up with that moment, egg on my face, realizing I have merged the old way of being Angela into the new way of being Angela. After a lifetime of using criteria to control my own behavior so I would be a "good" or "valuable" person, I realized the other day that I come to the point where I was doing it again. This time with the Law of Attraction. I had shifted to a place where I judged actions by whether or not they would attract good things or bad things into your life. Or, in this case, my friend's life. There is no right or wrong action. I know you're going to fight me and disagree on this point, but I really think there is no right or wrong action. There is only whatever action you take. See, life may be a tennis game where the service is always coming towards you, but it is YOUR life. Those choices are YOUR choices and create your path. You know what they say about that. "No one else can walk your path. Only you." It doesn't mean I was bad or wrong to share those opinions with my friend, she is someone I care about and I was trying to be helpful.
3. My own path is the complicated dance of someone with two left feet who is always moving one step backward for every two or three forward. I think humans are always drawn to that which is familiar. No matter how much meditation or clearing on limiting beliefs, eventually my guard comes down and my subconscious drifts back to old habits. It's like setting yourself up in a new apartment in a new town and the first time you let your mind drift during your commute, you find yourself getting off the bus at your old place. The trick is, when you find yourself doing it on that larger scale, blow it off in a sheepish, "silly me" sort of way. Just like you would the bus mishap. Call it a silly freak occurrence, not something that labels you a "failure."
As my mind swum in all of this "data," I realized something else. A lot of the platitudes we use in personal growth communities, are just that, because they aren't really very useful. For instance, the one about not caring what other's opinions of you are. When you read it or somebody tells it to you, it is all about being true to yourself and not caving in to peer pressure. Many times I have told people who accused me of it, that I do not care what other people think of me. Which on the one hand is true, but on the other hand is a complete fantasy. OF COURSE, I care what people think of me. I have people I care about. People I love. For those people I sometimes edit myself or behave in ways I know will bring a smile to their face. I care that the people in my life experience me in a positive way. I enjoy people being happy to see me. I don't think that's a bad thing, but of course, it is subject to the same "nobody's home" subconscious habitual behavior. It's one thing to turn your car radio station to jazz because your friend who loves jazz is riding with you; it's entirely another to never switch the radio back to your own preferred station because no one but you likes it. In the former, you are being a gracious and thoughtful host. In the latter, you are erasing your own existence.
Still, all of it, the thoughts and labels, are all just data. Just ego "busy work" to keep you entertained while you're alive. Just like you, your ego thinks all of it is important. It thinks it has to "sort all of this out and make sense of it." We gather our data and cling to it as if it will allow us to hold onto our past or somehow predict our future. None of it matters.
What does matter is what you do right now.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Taking Responsibility and Ho'oponopono
Over Thanksgiving I was listening to Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len's Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace and More. The recording was done at one of their Zero Limits workshops and included audience questions. If you're not already familiar with it, The Secret Hawaiian System is known as Ho'oponopono and Dr. Len once used it to cure a mental ward of criminally insane patients without ever personally seeing any of the patients. Here is a link to Joe Vitale's blog entry about Dr. Hew Len and Ho'oponopono but, essentially Dr. Hew Len would look at each patient's chart and then clear on whatever came up within himself about what he read. He looked within himself to see how he created that person's illness. By clearing, he performed the Ho'oponopono meditation which is to repeat the words: I'm sorry, Please Forgive Me, I Love You and Thank you. After three years, Len's work was such a success that the unit was closed.
Ho'oponopono is one of the techniques I was taught during my coaching lessons and it is in the curriculum I share with my clients. Although I don't have anything as remarkable to report as an entire mental ward being closed down due to my efforts, it has been one of the clearing tools I use in my own life. Over the weekend, I felt like I understood Ho'oponopono a little bit better and although it feels a bit like juggling slippery goldfish, I want to attempt to explain some of my understanding here.
I had some resistance to Ho'oponopono in the beginning. Particularly to the words I'm sorry. At some point it had been explained to me:
When you say "I love you" ... you are touching compassion.
When you say "Thank you" ... you are touching gratitude.
When you say "I'm sorry" ... you are touching humility.
When you say "Please forgive me" ... you are touching sincerity.
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry." I have spent a lifetime of saying it. So when I would try to say it in connection with Ho'oponopono, it would get tangled up with a lifetime of baggage. The last time I told somebody that (my coaching coach) he once again explained that the "I'm sorry" was all about humility. I spent days asking myself if all of mine had been about humility.
humility: (noun) a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
By definition, yes, my apologies were humble. The resistance stemmed more from who I was saying the words to rather than from where they were coming. First, I would say those words when a friend or acquaintance would tell me about something that was disturbing them. I would say "I'm sorry" to express my sympathy. Increasingly that was being met with, "Why? It's not your fault." Which was probably due to the second instance when I would say those words, when one of the people in my life who had convinced me I was responsible for his or her feelings would get upset. I said "I'm sorry" so often when trying to stem someone else's anger that it began to feel like I was apologizing for my very existence. Frequently when we use clearing methods, even though we are mostly meditating alone or talking to ourselves, it is when we perceive something is wrong or has happened. It was hard to separate the new Ho'oponopono "I'm sorry" from the earlier ones. I even questioned if I had inadvertently benefitted even though I had never understood the greater implications.
This weekend, what caught my attention was the talk about taking responsibility for our lives. The more I listened, the larger the concept grew and the more different it became from being responsible for how someone else feels.
My assumption is that most people who at some point during their adolescence used the words, "You made me ..." or "Look what you made me do" has heard the lecture that no one can "make" you do anything. You are personally responsible for your emotions and behavior. People may be unfair, unkind and unpleasant, but you are responsible for your own response. There is a meme that floats around the internet: How other people act is their karma. How you respond is yours.
It seems to me that most people think of karma as being a big bad deed boomerang. "What goes around, comes around." "You reap what you sow." During my internet surfing about the subject, I've learned there are two interpretations of karma. The first is the commonly held one I already mentioned, but the second is essentially that you will continue to be faced with the same life lessons until you have learned them. In other words, people will be who they are and you will experience the same people over and over, until you have learned how to respond to them. I would like to suggest Ho'oponopono is the kindest, gentlest, easiest, and most responsible way to respond to them.
In Zero Limits, Dr. Hew Len refers to the stuff you are clearing as "data." There is us and there is all this data. Others like Eckhart Tolle, using a model that is a bit more Buddhist in nature, have referred to what Len is calling data as "ego based states of consciousness."
Think of it this way. You are sitting at a restaurant and a man at an adjacent table belches. Loudly. You mumble under your breath, "What a pig." The facts or what is: a man belched at a restaurant. The data or ego based state of consciousness: "What a pig." Data or ego based states of consciousness are your personal judgements about things that happen around you or others' behavior. Your parents may have raised you not to belch out loud and told you it was an impolite thing to do, but there are other cultures where it is not frowned upon and can be even seen as a way of complimenting the cook.
So the first thing that is important with Ho'oponopono is being able to distinguish between fact or "what is" and your own thoughts, labels, or judgments.
The more energy you have about something, the more it will return as a karmic lesson, so chances are you won't encounter a stream of restaurant belches. But how about that reoccurring boyfriend? Or a mean spirited gossipy friend? You are attracting them into your life for a reason and purpose. Think of it like the movie Groundhog Day. Your day isn't repeating, but the circumstances are.
Before I had a life coach, decided to become a life coach or had ever heard about Ho'oponopono, I had a relationship where I really tried to embrace the notion of unconditional love. I wanted to be the best partner I could be. With no guidance, my brain created a set of theorems.
1. Unconditional = no conditions
2. Loving someone with no conditions means loving them no matter what emotions they have inadvertently triggered.
3. I am responsible for my own emotions and behavior.
I tried. I didn't know about Ho'oponopono, but I tried really hard. When something happened and I was disappointed, angry or sad, I would walk myself through mini pep talks to get myself off the ledge. Of course, everything that was happening were things one or both of us had a lot of energy about, so karmic lessons were in abundance. I can say with a great deal of love and optimism that I hope neither of us has that relationship again. In other words, that we learned the lessons we needed to learn and will level up. At the same time, even though I had few skills or tools to help me in my attempt, the more I study Ho'oponopono, the more I think I had it right.
The problems of our lives are not what actually troubles us. It is our reaction to them. We tend to look for offense like we want to be offended. One of the speakers on Zero Limits spoke of how using Ho'oponopono had enriched her family life. When her children would do something that irritated her, rather than chastising them or demanding that they change, she said the clearing words about the feeling within herself. She said the clearing words about her own judgment that her children were being irritating. As Dr. Hew Len pointed out, she did not suggest her children or any other family member do the Ho'oponopono themselves. In her case, she said that she knew if she did the clearing, all of them would be clear and fine. At the same time, just like you can't control others, Ho'oponopono is taking responsibility for your part in the equation of life, not urging others to do so.
Of course thinking like that, makes me think about my clients. How much of the service I'm providing should be teaching them the tools I have been taught and use vs. actually using those tools on my part in the equation of our relationship. After all, using the Dr. Hew Len model, it is not unreasonable to consider speaking the words to clear on anything about which you become unpleasantly aware.
War. GMO's. Politics. Global warming. Ferguson.
Mother Teresa once famously said that she didn't attend "Anti-War Rallies," but if anybody ever had a "Pro Peace Rally" she would. You attract things based on your energy. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. When what you don't want enters your sphere of attention: Ho'oponopono.
I'm sorry for whatever energy I brought to this situation.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you.
Ho'oponopono is one of the techniques I was taught during my coaching lessons and it is in the curriculum I share with my clients. Although I don't have anything as remarkable to report as an entire mental ward being closed down due to my efforts, it has been one of the clearing tools I use in my own life. Over the weekend, I felt like I understood Ho'oponopono a little bit better and although it feels a bit like juggling slippery goldfish, I want to attempt to explain some of my understanding here.
I had some resistance to Ho'oponopono in the beginning. Particularly to the words I'm sorry. At some point it had been explained to me:
When you say "I love you" ... you are touching compassion.
When you say "Thank you" ... you are touching gratitude.
When you say "I'm sorry" ... you are touching humility.
When you say "Please forgive me" ... you are touching sincerity.
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry." I have spent a lifetime of saying it. So when I would try to say it in connection with Ho'oponopono, it would get tangled up with a lifetime of baggage. The last time I told somebody that (my coaching coach) he once again explained that the "I'm sorry" was all about humility. I spent days asking myself if all of mine had been about humility.
humility: (noun) a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
By definition, yes, my apologies were humble. The resistance stemmed more from who I was saying the words to rather than from where they were coming. First, I would say those words when a friend or acquaintance would tell me about something that was disturbing them. I would say "I'm sorry" to express my sympathy. Increasingly that was being met with, "Why? It's not your fault." Which was probably due to the second instance when I would say those words, when one of the people in my life who had convinced me I was responsible for his or her feelings would get upset. I said "I'm sorry" so often when trying to stem someone else's anger that it began to feel like I was apologizing for my very existence. Frequently when we use clearing methods, even though we are mostly meditating alone or talking to ourselves, it is when we perceive something is wrong or has happened. It was hard to separate the new Ho'oponopono "I'm sorry" from the earlier ones. I even questioned if I had inadvertently benefitted even though I had never understood the greater implications.
This weekend, what caught my attention was the talk about taking responsibility for our lives. The more I listened, the larger the concept grew and the more different it became from being responsible for how someone else feels.
My assumption is that most people who at some point during their adolescence used the words, "You made me ..." or "Look what you made me do" has heard the lecture that no one can "make" you do anything. You are personally responsible for your emotions and behavior. People may be unfair, unkind and unpleasant, but you are responsible for your own response. There is a meme that floats around the internet: How other people act is their karma. How you respond is yours.
It seems to me that most people think of karma as being a big bad deed boomerang. "What goes around, comes around." "You reap what you sow." During my internet surfing about the subject, I've learned there are two interpretations of karma. The first is the commonly held one I already mentioned, but the second is essentially that you will continue to be faced with the same life lessons until you have learned them. In other words, people will be who they are and you will experience the same people over and over, until you have learned how to respond to them. I would like to suggest Ho'oponopono is the kindest, gentlest, easiest, and most responsible way to respond to them.
In Zero Limits, Dr. Hew Len refers to the stuff you are clearing as "data." There is us and there is all this data. Others like Eckhart Tolle, using a model that is a bit more Buddhist in nature, have referred to what Len is calling data as "ego based states of consciousness."
Think of it this way. You are sitting at a restaurant and a man at an adjacent table belches. Loudly. You mumble under your breath, "What a pig." The facts or what is: a man belched at a restaurant. The data or ego based state of consciousness: "What a pig." Data or ego based states of consciousness are your personal judgements about things that happen around you or others' behavior. Your parents may have raised you not to belch out loud and told you it was an impolite thing to do, but there are other cultures where it is not frowned upon and can be even seen as a way of complimenting the cook.
So the first thing that is important with Ho'oponopono is being able to distinguish between fact or "what is" and your own thoughts, labels, or judgments.
The more energy you have about something, the more it will return as a karmic lesson, so chances are you won't encounter a stream of restaurant belches. But how about that reoccurring boyfriend? Or a mean spirited gossipy friend? You are attracting them into your life for a reason and purpose. Think of it like the movie Groundhog Day. Your day isn't repeating, but the circumstances are.
Before I had a life coach, decided to become a life coach or had ever heard about Ho'oponopono, I had a relationship where I really tried to embrace the notion of unconditional love. I wanted to be the best partner I could be. With no guidance, my brain created a set of theorems.
1. Unconditional = no conditions
2. Loving someone with no conditions means loving them no matter what emotions they have inadvertently triggered.
3. I am responsible for my own emotions and behavior.
I tried. I didn't know about Ho'oponopono, but I tried really hard. When something happened and I was disappointed, angry or sad, I would walk myself through mini pep talks to get myself off the ledge. Of course, everything that was happening were things one or both of us had a lot of energy about, so karmic lessons were in abundance. I can say with a great deal of love and optimism that I hope neither of us has that relationship again. In other words, that we learned the lessons we needed to learn and will level up. At the same time, even though I had few skills or tools to help me in my attempt, the more I study Ho'oponopono, the more I think I had it right.
The problems of our lives are not what actually troubles us. It is our reaction to them. We tend to look for offense like we want to be offended. One of the speakers on Zero Limits spoke of how using Ho'oponopono had enriched her family life. When her children would do something that irritated her, rather than chastising them or demanding that they change, she said the clearing words about the feeling within herself. She said the clearing words about her own judgment that her children were being irritating. As Dr. Hew Len pointed out, she did not suggest her children or any other family member do the Ho'oponopono themselves. In her case, she said that she knew if she did the clearing, all of them would be clear and fine. At the same time, just like you can't control others, Ho'oponopono is taking responsibility for your part in the equation of life, not urging others to do so.
Of course thinking like that, makes me think about my clients. How much of the service I'm providing should be teaching them the tools I have been taught and use vs. actually using those tools on my part in the equation of our relationship. After all, using the Dr. Hew Len model, it is not unreasonable to consider speaking the words to clear on anything about which you become unpleasantly aware.
War. GMO's. Politics. Global warming. Ferguson.
Mother Teresa once famously said that she didn't attend "Anti-War Rallies," but if anybody ever had a "Pro Peace Rally" she would. You attract things based on your energy. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. When what you don't want enters your sphere of attention: Ho'oponopono.
I'm sorry for whatever energy I brought to this situation.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Freedom from Judgement (Especially from Yourself)
The last few days, I've been thinking a lot about freedom and judgement.
First, I watched The Most Powerful Video on Spirituality and Happiness - Rare Eckhart Tolle Teaching - Must See . In it, Tolle reassures his interviewer that, as a human he will always think bad thoughts so he doesn't need to feel guilty about that. Simply observe the thought without judging yourself. Like any other thought, by the time you have noticed, it is already gone. Since hearing that, some of the most colorful epitaphs have jumped into my brain. Words I haven't heard or used since high school. Juvenile, ridiculous words that paint pictures I can now laugh at instead of scolding myself. I'm free to be a human without judging myself for not being a saint.
Second, I asked one of my clients what she liked to do for fun. She mentioned a video game and I asked what the game was like. There was a long moment of silence which was followed by her saying very quietly, "Well, there's a lot of shooting."
I knew she thought I would say "No, no! You should stay away from violence!" For one thing, she expects to be judged. She judges herself constantly. She expects someone who is her "life coach" to judge her and tell her everything she is doing wrong. She, in turn, will make note of what I said, still do it, but try to do it less and every time she does do it, she will judge herself and use it as an excuse for why her life isn't turning out how she would like it to be.
I just don't deserve it because I still play violent video games.
I just don't deserve it because I call people "d^ck wads" to myself in traffic.
Instead of telling her to quit playing her violent video game, I told her I watch The Walking Dead.
Speaking of which, that show had a tremendously violent scene this week. Humans, not walkers, were beaten to death. Afterwards, on The Talking Dead, a small panel discussed whether that was indicative of a less kind, less gentle Rick Grimes (the show's main character,) in the future.
Honestly, it reminded me of a technique I saw Iyanla Vanzant use on the discontinued tv show, Starting Over. The show was a sort of Celebrity Rehab (sans the celebrities) meets The Real World or Big Brother. Women, who weren't happy with the direction their lives were going, lived in a house together and enjoyed the help of life coaches and psychologists in exchange for allowing the sessions to be filmed. In one session, Vanzant instructed a former abuse victim to hit things with a pillow. By things, I mean the floor and other pillows. It was interesting. She started hitting very softly, almost reluctantly. By the time she was finished, however, she was sobbing and seemed to have exhausted herself, as well as whatever energy she had trapped inside of herself as suppressed anger. At least that's how the edited version for television looked.
In The Walking Dead, the characters killed were cannibals who kept justifying their behavior like this: "We were good in the beginning. We helped people. But then some people came along and treated us badly."
Hmmm. So you ate them?
Meanwhile, Rick Grimes group, has had lots of bad treatment themselves, including having one of their members lose his leg to a group of cannibals. Yet time and time again the group struggles with how they need to behave to be good and "in the right." They put their fictional lives in danger saving other fictional characters. Rather than making me feel angry or negative or violent, The Walking Dead usually inspires me to like my fellow humans just a little bit more. After all, we don't get to see real people be magnanimous, brave or caring in such extreme circumstances and while those characters aren't real, the actors portraying them, as well as the writers writing their scripts, are.
I told my client I knew she expected me to vote against the violence and shooting in her video game. I told her how I have sometimes felt I would be judged for watching The Walking Dead, owning a television set, or still reading fictional books instead of a solitary and steady diet of coaching materials. I told her I didn't think it really mattered what a person does along those lines or what other people think about what they are doing. As far as I can see, only two things matter.
First, the spirit in which you do the things you do. Are you having fun? If you're playing a violent video game where people get shot, and you are yelling "that one's for my boss!" and "this one's for my mother!" That doesn't seem to be a very healthy way to live.
Of course, there's Vanzant and Starting Over, so maybe once in awhile we do benefit from a mini hissy fit via a pillow fight with objects or video game guns. Probably, though, we could expend that same energy with a good workout at the gym or a brisk walk or run. At the same time, if we find ourselves routinely needing to do that, maybe we need to consider that rather than simply whether or not we should play a violent video game.
On the other hand, if you play that game, laughing, teasing your fellow players and calling them "newbs." If you're happy playing, rather than secretly nurturing every grudge you've ever had against anyone, maybe it isn't such a bad thing.
You see, emotion is everything. Just like sarcasm in print or on the internet, your subconscious doesn't know when you are kidding. It takes its cues from your emotions. The fourth step to the Law of Attraction is to Nevillze (a Joe Vitale term to honor an earlier Law of Attraction pioneer, Neville Goddard) or feel as if you already enjoy all of the things you dream about. So, in theory, playing a video game which you genuinely feel happy playing, would be a helpful tool to that end. But, playing one while nurturing and fantasizing about all of your hurt feelings and grievances, would just help deliver more things to feel hurt about.
Doing things with a positive spirit is life changing and makes a huge difference.
The second thing I think matters is whether or not you judge yourself. As Eckhart Tolle pointed out, we're human. Sometimes we are going to think bad thoughts, waste valuable time, eat unhealthy food and do or say something stupid. We are human. We are not perfect. To the best of our understanding, we are spiritual creatures having a human experience. We're supposed to be human. We're not supposed to be perfect.
When you think of it that way, if we never had a Homer Simpson, "Doh!" moment in our lives, we might just be wasting that experience.
As Maude, another fictional character, in this case from the 70's cult classic Harold and Maude and one of my personal mentors before I had ever heard of Eckhart Tolle, said, "Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much." And "Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt, even! Play as well as you can. Go team! GO! Give me an L! Give me an I! Give me a V! Give me an E! L. I. V. E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room."
First, I watched The Most Powerful Video on Spirituality and Happiness - Rare Eckhart Tolle Teaching - Must See . In it, Tolle reassures his interviewer that, as a human he will always think bad thoughts so he doesn't need to feel guilty about that. Simply observe the thought without judging yourself. Like any other thought, by the time you have noticed, it is already gone. Since hearing that, some of the most colorful epitaphs have jumped into my brain. Words I haven't heard or used since high school. Juvenile, ridiculous words that paint pictures I can now laugh at instead of scolding myself. I'm free to be a human without judging myself for not being a saint.
Second, I asked one of my clients what she liked to do for fun. She mentioned a video game and I asked what the game was like. There was a long moment of silence which was followed by her saying very quietly, "Well, there's a lot of shooting."
I knew she thought I would say "No, no! You should stay away from violence!" For one thing, she expects to be judged. She judges herself constantly. She expects someone who is her "life coach" to judge her and tell her everything she is doing wrong. She, in turn, will make note of what I said, still do it, but try to do it less and every time she does do it, she will judge herself and use it as an excuse for why her life isn't turning out how she would like it to be.
I just don't deserve it because I still play violent video games.
I just don't deserve it because I call people "d^ck wads" to myself in traffic.
Instead of telling her to quit playing her violent video game, I told her I watch The Walking Dead.
Speaking of which, that show had a tremendously violent scene this week. Humans, not walkers, were beaten to death. Afterwards, on The Talking Dead, a small panel discussed whether that was indicative of a less kind, less gentle Rick Grimes (the show's main character,) in the future.
Honestly, it reminded me of a technique I saw Iyanla Vanzant use on the discontinued tv show, Starting Over. The show was a sort of Celebrity Rehab (sans the celebrities) meets The Real World or Big Brother. Women, who weren't happy with the direction their lives were going, lived in a house together and enjoyed the help of life coaches and psychologists in exchange for allowing the sessions to be filmed. In one session, Vanzant instructed a former abuse victim to hit things with a pillow. By things, I mean the floor and other pillows. It was interesting. She started hitting very softly, almost reluctantly. By the time she was finished, however, she was sobbing and seemed to have exhausted herself, as well as whatever energy she had trapped inside of herself as suppressed anger. At least that's how the edited version for television looked.
In The Walking Dead, the characters killed were cannibals who kept justifying their behavior like this: "We were good in the beginning. We helped people. But then some people came along and treated us badly."
Hmmm. So you ate them?
Meanwhile, Rick Grimes group, has had lots of bad treatment themselves, including having one of their members lose his leg to a group of cannibals. Yet time and time again the group struggles with how they need to behave to be good and "in the right." They put their fictional lives in danger saving other fictional characters. Rather than making me feel angry or negative or violent, The Walking Dead usually inspires me to like my fellow humans just a little bit more. After all, we don't get to see real people be magnanimous, brave or caring in such extreme circumstances and while those characters aren't real, the actors portraying them, as well as the writers writing their scripts, are.
I told my client I knew she expected me to vote against the violence and shooting in her video game. I told her how I have sometimes felt I would be judged for watching The Walking Dead, owning a television set, or still reading fictional books instead of a solitary and steady diet of coaching materials. I told her I didn't think it really mattered what a person does along those lines or what other people think about what they are doing. As far as I can see, only two things matter.
First, the spirit in which you do the things you do. Are you having fun? If you're playing a violent video game where people get shot, and you are yelling "that one's for my boss!" and "this one's for my mother!" That doesn't seem to be a very healthy way to live.
Of course, there's Vanzant and Starting Over, so maybe once in awhile we do benefit from a mini hissy fit via a pillow fight with objects or video game guns. Probably, though, we could expend that same energy with a good workout at the gym or a brisk walk or run. At the same time, if we find ourselves routinely needing to do that, maybe we need to consider that rather than simply whether or not we should play a violent video game.
On the other hand, if you play that game, laughing, teasing your fellow players and calling them "newbs." If you're happy playing, rather than secretly nurturing every grudge you've ever had against anyone, maybe it isn't such a bad thing.
You see, emotion is everything. Just like sarcasm in print or on the internet, your subconscious doesn't know when you are kidding. It takes its cues from your emotions. The fourth step to the Law of Attraction is to Nevillze (a Joe Vitale term to honor an earlier Law of Attraction pioneer, Neville Goddard) or feel as if you already enjoy all of the things you dream about. So, in theory, playing a video game which you genuinely feel happy playing, would be a helpful tool to that end. But, playing one while nurturing and fantasizing about all of your hurt feelings and grievances, would just help deliver more things to feel hurt about.
Doing things with a positive spirit is life changing and makes a huge difference.
The second thing I think matters is whether or not you judge yourself. As Eckhart Tolle pointed out, we're human. Sometimes we are going to think bad thoughts, waste valuable time, eat unhealthy food and do or say something stupid. We are human. We are not perfect. To the best of our understanding, we are spiritual creatures having a human experience. We're supposed to be human. We're not supposed to be perfect.
When you think of it that way, if we never had a Homer Simpson, "Doh!" moment in our lives, we might just be wasting that experience.
As Maude, another fictional character, in this case from the 70's cult classic Harold and Maude and one of my personal mentors before I had ever heard of Eckhart Tolle, said, "Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much." And "Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt, even! Play as well as you can. Go team! GO! Give me an L! Give me an I! Give me a V! Give me an E! L. I. V. E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room."
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Outflow vs Inflow
The Law of Attraction is always working. You can't avoid it. You are always creating your world. Whether it is positive and plays out like the best dream ever or a nightmare on a treadmill of unhappiness, you served it up to yourself. As we study the Law of Attraction, we learn that, if we are needy and desperate for better things, we deliver neediness and desperation. We become cautious about what language we use. We try to wean ourselves off the words "want" or "need" and feel confused why nothing seems to change.
While presenting one of the week's lessons to me, the coach teaching me to be a coach told me about a seminar he went to that was very expensive. It cost double digit thousands of dollars to attend. At the event, the speaker basically talked about the same rules to the Law of Attraction. The material was just like any other self help guru's material. Not knowing where he was going with what he was saying, I made some noise that was supposed to express an appropriate mix of "oh that's a shame" and "damn what a rip-off" and then he delivered the punchline. The seminar was absolutely worth every penny. Not because of the material presented, but because of the speaker himself. The most important thing a life coach has to offer is what he or she personally brings to the table.
So here's my plate at the buffet. The Law of Attraction isn't like learning Spanish or German. It isn't simply about which words you use. Your life changes when you pay more attention to what you are putting out into the world than what the world is delivering to you. Or at least that has been my experience. Whether I was trying to be a more loving individual or a more generous one, the more I have been genuinely concerned about my impact on other people, the larger and more surprising the corresponding ripple back to me was.
The key word is genuine, but you can't just say it. You have to be genuine. Otherwise, we "people pleasers" we would have an edge on the rest of you and we would rule the world. It doesn't happen that way because "people pleasing" isn't genuine. We don't spend all that time trying to make others happy because we want them to be happy. We do it because WE want to be happy. Or rather, we are just tired of being unhappy. I think in most cases, we just don't want others to hurt us anymore. More than a few of us have become nothing more than scared hostages who have reached the conclusion that, if we simply do whatever our captors say and give them anything they want, they will finally leave us alone and stop hurting us. We even learn to anticipate their wants and needs, but we always have a watchful eye towards how we ourselves are being treated.
My life dramatically shifted about 14 years ago. I was getting a divorce. One that I asked for and wanted. In that situation I was focused entirely on what I was getting out of the marriage and I wasn't satisfied. So I wanted out, but I wanted more change in my life than simply switching my seat and partner like a game of musical chairs. Luckily, I turned my focus inward and examined my own behavior. In the marriage, especially towards the end, I was not always the good guy. Like anybody else, I can make excuses about being unhappy and not having my needs met, but it would simply be trying to justify my behavior. Near the end, I could be angry, nasty and mean spirited.
She gets a bad rap when I talk about her in this blog. She wasn't all bad or wrong. She actually did say some very supportive things to me and teach me some good life lessons, but of course, when I examined my bad behavior, I decided I was becoming my mother. I hadn't enjoyed experiencing her and I felt no one deserved to be given a plateful of my mother. That was when my life shifted.
We know it already. I never went to church as a child, but I did go to a year of Sunday School. Most of us learn the Golden Rule. You know the one. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Except it has to be genuine. You can't just give someone a cookie in the expectation that they will give you one back. The Golden Rule happens to extend out of Christian tradition, but nearly every organized religion contains a similar ethic. I certainly didn't know it while I was deciding not to be my mother; but the more I've studied the Law of Attraction, the more I've found there is something to religion. When I began this journey 14 years ago, I was somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. Now I feel like I have my own religion. It's private and personal because I've never met a church that preaches exactly my logic of the universe. It is based upon being accountable for what I put out into the world and there is no question that I am a better person for it. A wonderful byproduct of it is that, because I am always trying to put the best out into the world, the best comes back to me. The more that it does, the happier I am and that simply increases the quality and quantity of what I put out.
It would be dishonest to present it as a "success only" journey. I have slipped. At times I've returned to "people pleasing" while not realizing I had lost authenticity. My eyes have shifted to the love I wasn't receiving rather than what I was giving. Eckhart Tolle would say I was asleep and that's really what it is. Every time it has happened, it is because I am living in the past. I am keeping score, I am feeling a sense of lack, and it has always led to bad things and heartache.
Sometimes I wonder if it isn't as simple as this: I am telling myself I am unhappy. So I am. I retreat into myself and everything that happens around me has potential to hurt and offend me. I've decided I don't like how the world works and I don't want to play anymore. But when I tell myself I'm happy, I am happy. I feel like I positively glow with happiness. It is like light shines out of my fingertips and I am continually inspired to do kind things for others. I am happy and I want to share that happiness.
It isn't an accident those things you think you lack. They are missing because you are the one who has shut off the spigot.
Money is about appreciation. It exists for us to show our appreciation for the goods and services offered to us. If you want money, be more appreciative. Stop considering whether or not you feel the world appreciates you. Learn to be more grateful for the goods and services you receive, the fact you have money to pay for them and most of all, for yourself. Learn to appreciate the mere fact that you are taking this journey through life. Recognize you are awake enough and care enough to try and give yourself the best life you can have. At the same time, rather than weighing what you can do that will bring yourself the most money, consider what you can do that will be a joy for you to perform. Find the thing you would be happy doing whether anyone paid you at all. It's going to be the thing from which you receive the most appreciation because it's the thing you most appreciate doing.
Don't just change your lexicon. Change a piece of who you are and how you behave. If you want love, be love. If you want appreciation, appreciate. If you want happiness, be happiness. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what the world can give you; ask what you can give the world."
That's my dish for the potluck; the lesson I've learned that I can share.
While presenting one of the week's lessons to me, the coach teaching me to be a coach told me about a seminar he went to that was very expensive. It cost double digit thousands of dollars to attend. At the event, the speaker basically talked about the same rules to the Law of Attraction. The material was just like any other self help guru's material. Not knowing where he was going with what he was saying, I made some noise that was supposed to express an appropriate mix of "oh that's a shame" and "damn what a rip-off" and then he delivered the punchline. The seminar was absolutely worth every penny. Not because of the material presented, but because of the speaker himself. The most important thing a life coach has to offer is what he or she personally brings to the table.
So here's my plate at the buffet. The Law of Attraction isn't like learning Spanish or German. It isn't simply about which words you use. Your life changes when you pay more attention to what you are putting out into the world than what the world is delivering to you. Or at least that has been my experience. Whether I was trying to be a more loving individual or a more generous one, the more I have been genuinely concerned about my impact on other people, the larger and more surprising the corresponding ripple back to me was.
The key word is genuine, but you can't just say it. You have to be genuine. Otherwise, we "people pleasers" we would have an edge on the rest of you and we would rule the world. It doesn't happen that way because "people pleasing" isn't genuine. We don't spend all that time trying to make others happy because we want them to be happy. We do it because WE want to be happy. Or rather, we are just tired of being unhappy. I think in most cases, we just don't want others to hurt us anymore. More than a few of us have become nothing more than scared hostages who have reached the conclusion that, if we simply do whatever our captors say and give them anything they want, they will finally leave us alone and stop hurting us. We even learn to anticipate their wants and needs, but we always have a watchful eye towards how we ourselves are being treated.
My life dramatically shifted about 14 years ago. I was getting a divorce. One that I asked for and wanted. In that situation I was focused entirely on what I was getting out of the marriage and I wasn't satisfied. So I wanted out, but I wanted more change in my life than simply switching my seat and partner like a game of musical chairs. Luckily, I turned my focus inward and examined my own behavior. In the marriage, especially towards the end, I was not always the good guy. Like anybody else, I can make excuses about being unhappy and not having my needs met, but it would simply be trying to justify my behavior. Near the end, I could be angry, nasty and mean spirited.
She gets a bad rap when I talk about her in this blog. She wasn't all bad or wrong. She actually did say some very supportive things to me and teach me some good life lessons, but of course, when I examined my bad behavior, I decided I was becoming my mother. I hadn't enjoyed experiencing her and I felt no one deserved to be given a plateful of my mother. That was when my life shifted.
We know it already. I never went to church as a child, but I did go to a year of Sunday School. Most of us learn the Golden Rule. You know the one. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Except it has to be genuine. You can't just give someone a cookie in the expectation that they will give you one back. The Golden Rule happens to extend out of Christian tradition, but nearly every organized religion contains a similar ethic. I certainly didn't know it while I was deciding not to be my mother; but the more I've studied the Law of Attraction, the more I've found there is something to religion. When I began this journey 14 years ago, I was somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. Now I feel like I have my own religion. It's private and personal because I've never met a church that preaches exactly my logic of the universe. It is based upon being accountable for what I put out into the world and there is no question that I am a better person for it. A wonderful byproduct of it is that, because I am always trying to put the best out into the world, the best comes back to me. The more that it does, the happier I am and that simply increases the quality and quantity of what I put out.
It would be dishonest to present it as a "success only" journey. I have slipped. At times I've returned to "people pleasing" while not realizing I had lost authenticity. My eyes have shifted to the love I wasn't receiving rather than what I was giving. Eckhart Tolle would say I was asleep and that's really what it is. Every time it has happened, it is because I am living in the past. I am keeping score, I am feeling a sense of lack, and it has always led to bad things and heartache.
Sometimes I wonder if it isn't as simple as this: I am telling myself I am unhappy. So I am. I retreat into myself and everything that happens around me has potential to hurt and offend me. I've decided I don't like how the world works and I don't want to play anymore. But when I tell myself I'm happy, I am happy. I feel like I positively glow with happiness. It is like light shines out of my fingertips and I am continually inspired to do kind things for others. I am happy and I want to share that happiness.
It isn't an accident those things you think you lack. They are missing because you are the one who has shut off the spigot.
Money is about appreciation. It exists for us to show our appreciation for the goods and services offered to us. If you want money, be more appreciative. Stop considering whether or not you feel the world appreciates you. Learn to be more grateful for the goods and services you receive, the fact you have money to pay for them and most of all, for yourself. Learn to appreciate the mere fact that you are taking this journey through life. Recognize you are awake enough and care enough to try and give yourself the best life you can have. At the same time, rather than weighing what you can do that will bring yourself the most money, consider what you can do that will be a joy for you to perform. Find the thing you would be happy doing whether anyone paid you at all. It's going to be the thing from which you receive the most appreciation because it's the thing you most appreciate doing.
Don't just change your lexicon. Change a piece of who you are and how you behave. If you want love, be love. If you want appreciation, appreciate. If you want happiness, be happiness. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what the world can give you; ask what you can give the world."
That's my dish for the potluck; the lesson I've learned that I can share.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)