Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Self Awareness and Miracles

Has a miracle ever happened in your life?  How did you react?

I am the quintessential Pollyanna.  On Facebook, I am one of those over sharers.  My timeline is filled with cute kittens and motivational sayings.  I know there are people who have unfriended me or blocked me because the sugar sickens them.  I know because I have been one of those people.  My entire life I have been a "Love is a warm puppy" kind of person, while intentionally mocking the saying "Love is a warm puppy."

One of those motivational sayings I posted to my timeline was:   "You can be the most beautiful delicious peach, but you will still find someone who doesn't like peaches."

So we try to become apples.

My dad told me a story about his last plush toy.  Born in 1933, boys were raised a bit differently.  Playing some form of cops and robbers or war was not only accepted, it was expected.  Frankly I was surprised to hear he had some sort of Teddy Bear in the first place, but he did.  Somewhere around the age 4 or 5, playing with a neighborhood girl, she began to suggest games that all involved Teddy's gutting.  My dad told me he thought about it.  He told me he realized his age and that Teddy was probably going to be the last toy of that sort he was likely to receive.  He told me he still loved it and hadn't wanted to lose it.  He wished he had left it in the house.  He wanted to take it back inside.  But .....

We learn at a very early age to sell ourselves out.

My dad's story breaks my heart a little.  I picture the little boy and his war torn bear and I want to pull him into my lap.  Hug him with my entire body.  The realization he has only himself to blame actually can bring a tear to my eye.  The desire for him to stand up for himself, for him to tell himself it is ok to love whatever and whoever he loves, aches inside me.

I used to think miracles involved escaping death.  Moments that leave you standing with your jaw dropped open and cause you to shout out, "It's a miracle!"  In my life, the miracles are quiet, good things that have happened to me.

If you listen to someone talk about the Law of Attraction, you may hear them mention the notion of a person having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.  That is exactly where I have been.

It's because of the people.  With the exception of my cat Peabody showing up on my doorstep, every good thing I wrote down on a Law of Attraction Vision Board came because other people delivered it to me.  One of those people even told me this, "you're nothing without people."  Still I struggle with an Eeyore-esque "don't worry about me" feeling of not wanting to be a bother.

It's selling myself out.  It's believing I'm unworthy on a pathological level.  Worst of all, it is scarcity thinking of the sneakiest order.  It is the lingering belief that just because something good happened for me, it was at someone else's expense.

It's the word "but" that precedes the words "you shouldn't have" after the words "thank you."

Thank you.

Thank you for all of the wonderful things that have come to me.

Thank you so very much.

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