The sad news is that today I found out I was not one of the winners in the Hay House Writer's Workshop competition. I have to say, it wasn't completely a surprise. One of the things my Achieve Today coach taught me is that when we take the path suggested by our inspirations we will encounter moments that are like traffic lights: green, yellow or red. I have received a definite red light on that book project. I didn't win and the work was becoming like a chore. I've noticed people don't read my blog as much when I actually write about money. For me, writing at its best is almost effortless. It is like taking dictation. It is being "in the flow." The book project I began never felt like that. I've noticed how, over time, my blog became less about that and more about other things.
Meanwhile green lights are flashing everywhere else in my life.
As I've said at times in this blog, I'm training to be a life coach and that has green lights all over it. I'm having some work done at my house that I have been wanting to do for decades. All green lights. Meanwhile, I'm still the same person, occasionally ego bound and suffering growing pains, clearing on limiting beliefs and learning. Always learning.
The exciting news is that I will continue writing this blog very Tuesday, but under a new title, "My Journey to 'Zero' and The Law of Attraction." I will be talking about the same things, the Law of Attraction; becoming a coach; the Present Moment; among others. I am gratefully setting aside that book project and beginning a new one more suited to the direction I am heading.
I'm not really sure what I'll say yet, but you know what? That's exactly when inspiration lands on my shoulder and whispers, "Why not write about this?"
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Outflow vs Inflow
The Law of Attraction is always working. You can't avoid it. You are always creating your world. Whether it is positive and plays out like the best dream ever or a nightmare on a treadmill of unhappiness, you served it up to yourself. As we study the Law of Attraction, we learn that, if we are needy and desperate for better things, we deliver neediness and desperation. We become cautious about what language we use. We try to wean ourselves off the words "want" or "need" and feel confused why nothing seems to change.
While presenting one of the week's lessons to me, the coach teaching me to be a coach told me about a seminar he went to that was very expensive. It cost double digit thousands of dollars to attend. At the event, the speaker basically talked about the same rules to the Law of Attraction. The material was just like any other self help guru's material. Not knowing where he was going with what he was saying, I made some noise that was supposed to express an appropriate mix of "oh that's a shame" and "damn what a rip-off" and then he delivered the punchline. The seminar was absolutely worth every penny. Not because of the material presented, but because of the speaker himself. The most important thing a life coach has to offer is what he or she personally brings to the table.
So here's my plate at the buffet. The Law of Attraction isn't like learning Spanish or German. It isn't simply about which words you use. Your life changes when you pay more attention to what you are putting out into the world than what the world is delivering to you. Or at least that has been my experience. Whether I was trying to be a more loving individual or a more generous one, the more I have been genuinely concerned about my impact on other people, the larger and more surprising the corresponding ripple back to me was.
The key word is genuine, but you can't just say it. You have to be genuine. Otherwise, we "people pleasers" we would have an edge on the rest of you and we would rule the world. It doesn't happen that way because "people pleasing" isn't genuine. We don't spend all that time trying to make others happy because we want them to be happy. We do it because WE want to be happy. Or rather, we are just tired of being unhappy. I think in most cases, we just don't want others to hurt us anymore. More than a few of us have become nothing more than scared hostages who have reached the conclusion that, if we simply do whatever our captors say and give them anything they want, they will finally leave us alone and stop hurting us. We even learn to anticipate their wants and needs, but we always have a watchful eye towards how we ourselves are being treated.
My life dramatically shifted about 14 years ago. I was getting a divorce. One that I asked for and wanted. In that situation I was focused entirely on what I was getting out of the marriage and I wasn't satisfied. So I wanted out, but I wanted more change in my life than simply switching my seat and partner like a game of musical chairs. Luckily, I turned my focus inward and examined my own behavior. In the marriage, especially towards the end, I was not always the good guy. Like anybody else, I can make excuses about being unhappy and not having my needs met, but it would simply be trying to justify my behavior. Near the end, I could be angry, nasty and mean spirited.
She gets a bad rap when I talk about her in this blog. She wasn't all bad or wrong. She actually did say some very supportive things to me and teach me some good life lessons, but of course, when I examined my bad behavior, I decided I was becoming my mother. I hadn't enjoyed experiencing her and I felt no one deserved to be given a plateful of my mother. That was when my life shifted.
We know it already. I never went to church as a child, but I did go to a year of Sunday School. Most of us learn the Golden Rule. You know the one. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Except it has to be genuine. You can't just give someone a cookie in the expectation that they will give you one back. The Golden Rule happens to extend out of Christian tradition, but nearly every organized religion contains a similar ethic. I certainly didn't know it while I was deciding not to be my mother; but the more I've studied the Law of Attraction, the more I've found there is something to religion. When I began this journey 14 years ago, I was somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. Now I feel like I have my own religion. It's private and personal because I've never met a church that preaches exactly my logic of the universe. It is based upon being accountable for what I put out into the world and there is no question that I am a better person for it. A wonderful byproduct of it is that, because I am always trying to put the best out into the world, the best comes back to me. The more that it does, the happier I am and that simply increases the quality and quantity of what I put out.
It would be dishonest to present it as a "success only" journey. I have slipped. At times I've returned to "people pleasing" while not realizing I had lost authenticity. My eyes have shifted to the love I wasn't receiving rather than what I was giving. Eckhart Tolle would say I was asleep and that's really what it is. Every time it has happened, it is because I am living in the past. I am keeping score, I am feeling a sense of lack, and it has always led to bad things and heartache.
Sometimes I wonder if it isn't as simple as this: I am telling myself I am unhappy. So I am. I retreat into myself and everything that happens around me has potential to hurt and offend me. I've decided I don't like how the world works and I don't want to play anymore. But when I tell myself I'm happy, I am happy. I feel like I positively glow with happiness. It is like light shines out of my fingertips and I am continually inspired to do kind things for others. I am happy and I want to share that happiness.
It isn't an accident those things you think you lack. They are missing because you are the one who has shut off the spigot.
Money is about appreciation. It exists for us to show our appreciation for the goods and services offered to us. If you want money, be more appreciative. Stop considering whether or not you feel the world appreciates you. Learn to be more grateful for the goods and services you receive, the fact you have money to pay for them and most of all, for yourself. Learn to appreciate the mere fact that you are taking this journey through life. Recognize you are awake enough and care enough to try and give yourself the best life you can have. At the same time, rather than weighing what you can do that will bring yourself the most money, consider what you can do that will be a joy for you to perform. Find the thing you would be happy doing whether anyone paid you at all. It's going to be the thing from which you receive the most appreciation because it's the thing you most appreciate doing.
Don't just change your lexicon. Change a piece of who you are and how you behave. If you want love, be love. If you want appreciation, appreciate. If you want happiness, be happiness. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what the world can give you; ask what you can give the world."
That's my dish for the potluck; the lesson I've learned that I can share.
While presenting one of the week's lessons to me, the coach teaching me to be a coach told me about a seminar he went to that was very expensive. It cost double digit thousands of dollars to attend. At the event, the speaker basically talked about the same rules to the Law of Attraction. The material was just like any other self help guru's material. Not knowing where he was going with what he was saying, I made some noise that was supposed to express an appropriate mix of "oh that's a shame" and "damn what a rip-off" and then he delivered the punchline. The seminar was absolutely worth every penny. Not because of the material presented, but because of the speaker himself. The most important thing a life coach has to offer is what he or she personally brings to the table.
So here's my plate at the buffet. The Law of Attraction isn't like learning Spanish or German. It isn't simply about which words you use. Your life changes when you pay more attention to what you are putting out into the world than what the world is delivering to you. Or at least that has been my experience. Whether I was trying to be a more loving individual or a more generous one, the more I have been genuinely concerned about my impact on other people, the larger and more surprising the corresponding ripple back to me was.
The key word is genuine, but you can't just say it. You have to be genuine. Otherwise, we "people pleasers" we would have an edge on the rest of you and we would rule the world. It doesn't happen that way because "people pleasing" isn't genuine. We don't spend all that time trying to make others happy because we want them to be happy. We do it because WE want to be happy. Or rather, we are just tired of being unhappy. I think in most cases, we just don't want others to hurt us anymore. More than a few of us have become nothing more than scared hostages who have reached the conclusion that, if we simply do whatever our captors say and give them anything they want, they will finally leave us alone and stop hurting us. We even learn to anticipate their wants and needs, but we always have a watchful eye towards how we ourselves are being treated.
My life dramatically shifted about 14 years ago. I was getting a divorce. One that I asked for and wanted. In that situation I was focused entirely on what I was getting out of the marriage and I wasn't satisfied. So I wanted out, but I wanted more change in my life than simply switching my seat and partner like a game of musical chairs. Luckily, I turned my focus inward and examined my own behavior. In the marriage, especially towards the end, I was not always the good guy. Like anybody else, I can make excuses about being unhappy and not having my needs met, but it would simply be trying to justify my behavior. Near the end, I could be angry, nasty and mean spirited.
She gets a bad rap when I talk about her in this blog. She wasn't all bad or wrong. She actually did say some very supportive things to me and teach me some good life lessons, but of course, when I examined my bad behavior, I decided I was becoming my mother. I hadn't enjoyed experiencing her and I felt no one deserved to be given a plateful of my mother. That was when my life shifted.
We know it already. I never went to church as a child, but I did go to a year of Sunday School. Most of us learn the Golden Rule. You know the one. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Except it has to be genuine. You can't just give someone a cookie in the expectation that they will give you one back. The Golden Rule happens to extend out of Christian tradition, but nearly every organized religion contains a similar ethic. I certainly didn't know it while I was deciding not to be my mother; but the more I've studied the Law of Attraction, the more I've found there is something to religion. When I began this journey 14 years ago, I was somewhere between an Atheist and an Agnostic. Now I feel like I have my own religion. It's private and personal because I've never met a church that preaches exactly my logic of the universe. It is based upon being accountable for what I put out into the world and there is no question that I am a better person for it. A wonderful byproduct of it is that, because I am always trying to put the best out into the world, the best comes back to me. The more that it does, the happier I am and that simply increases the quality and quantity of what I put out.
It would be dishonest to present it as a "success only" journey. I have slipped. At times I've returned to "people pleasing" while not realizing I had lost authenticity. My eyes have shifted to the love I wasn't receiving rather than what I was giving. Eckhart Tolle would say I was asleep and that's really what it is. Every time it has happened, it is because I am living in the past. I am keeping score, I am feeling a sense of lack, and it has always led to bad things and heartache.
Sometimes I wonder if it isn't as simple as this: I am telling myself I am unhappy. So I am. I retreat into myself and everything that happens around me has potential to hurt and offend me. I've decided I don't like how the world works and I don't want to play anymore. But when I tell myself I'm happy, I am happy. I feel like I positively glow with happiness. It is like light shines out of my fingertips and I am continually inspired to do kind things for others. I am happy and I want to share that happiness.
It isn't an accident those things you think you lack. They are missing because you are the one who has shut off the spigot.
Money is about appreciation. It exists for us to show our appreciation for the goods and services offered to us. If you want money, be more appreciative. Stop considering whether or not you feel the world appreciates you. Learn to be more grateful for the goods and services you receive, the fact you have money to pay for them and most of all, for yourself. Learn to appreciate the mere fact that you are taking this journey through life. Recognize you are awake enough and care enough to try and give yourself the best life you can have. At the same time, rather than weighing what you can do that will bring yourself the most money, consider what you can do that will be a joy for you to perform. Find the thing you would be happy doing whether anyone paid you at all. It's going to be the thing from which you receive the most appreciation because it's the thing you most appreciate doing.
Don't just change your lexicon. Change a piece of who you are and how you behave. If you want love, be love. If you want appreciation, appreciate. If you want happiness, be happiness. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what the world can give you; ask what you can give the world."
That's my dish for the potluck; the lesson I've learned that I can share.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Money is a Tool
That's all it really is. A tool. Like many other tools, you can choose the budget, mid-range, or luxury version. Sometimes the level of tool you purchased can compromise the integrity or quality of the work you perform with it. I have a diagonal scar on my left thumb given to me by a $20 matte cutter that taught me that lesson.
I have been so fortunate in my life. I have been so lucky. I think of the luxury version of money being a fancy hotel with all white and gold fixtures. I really hate white and gold fixtures. What I love is a patina with rich deep colors and a bit of texture and dirt. That budget to mid-range lifestyle suits "me to a T" as long as I add in some perks like traveling wherever I like. (Why, in my head, does it feel like there are rules that mid-range life-stylers are only supposed to take driving vacations? Or if they do fly, they are only allowed the continental US?) Nearly nothing about the luxury lifestyle actually appealed to me, so I never had to figure out how to attract that.
See I'm lucky. I "got it" long ago. Well, at least about money. Money isn't love. It isn't evil. It cannot buy you happiness. See the trick there is, it can buy you things that you may see as the elements which will make you happy. However, the end result is solely dependent on whether or not you clearly discerned what would bring you happiness. We have endless examples where someone tried just that and failed. So we know it isn't a sure deal. It isn't certain enough to write a mathematic equation around.
X (Money) + Y (Things Money Can Buy) = Z (Happiness)
Z would have to have some sort of modifier. Something that quantified the element of self awareness.
That would be a good descriptor, right? Self awareness. Something to describe how accurate you are in pre-determining what will make you happy. I mean, we don't just think it's a crap shoot. We don't just think, "Ok, I'll drop a few grand on this 52" plasma to watch the ball games. MAYBE that will make me happy. Or maybe it will be like having a root canal. Who knows?"
No, I think we're pretty accurate, at least in choosing things we will enjoy. We just don't really seem to think about whether that enjoyment will be long lasting or not.
You'd think I'd given this a lot of thought. Not really. What I did give a lot of thought was my mother and why she behaved in the ways that she did. My mother loved to shop. My mother loved to buy things. I think she loved to shop a little bit more than she loved to buy things, but she loved to shop and buy things way more than she liked actually having things. Don't get me wrong. To anybody other than me, my mother would cut you to the quick if you were taking something that was hers. But other than the notion of how much stuff she had, she didn't care as much about those things. You could watch dust collect on some of them or notice packages that had never actually been opened. It didn't take me long to realize what she loved was shopping and buying. At first I saw it in some sort of terms of "the thrill of the hunt." Except I realized my mother's shopping style was much more like "shooting fish in a barrel." It must have been then that my mother talked about her childhood and repeated one of her stories.
I need to explain. That was what my mother talked about most. Her childhood. Over and over and over again. We existed in a weird world where no one ever even bothered to point out, "Hey I've heard this one before." We just listened as if it was the first time. I need to explain too that she and her sister never got along. They would hate each other for 20 year spans. As a child, I was instructed that, if I saw my aunt, I was to pretend I didn't see her.
When you live in families with weird rules like that, you spend a lot of time trying to understand what is going on.
My mother was a child during World War II. Even though there was rationing, my grandparents would take my mother and her sister out window shopping every Saturday. While I was living in their household and had no capability of doing anything else, my mother and father took me out shopping every Saturday. After I moved out, my parents still went out shopping every Saturday until my mother's poor health prevented her from going. Then she sent my father.
It was after my aunt died and I heard the details of her life that were previously unknown to me that I began to believe what I had already suspected. You see, my aunt was a hoarder too. She went shopping every Saturday too. What I decided was that one of those Saturdays back in the 40's was very special to those two little girls. Whatever happened. Whatever they purchased or simply dreamt of purchasing, it translated to them as happiness. But the rest of their lives, no matter what they bought, neither of them was ever really happy. It never lasted. Because the next Saturday? They were right out there again. I could be wrong, but I've always suspected if they simply had pieced things together like I did. If they had looked at the arrangement of their lives like I did, maybe they would have stopped shopping and actually ended up happy. But really I'm just guessing. After all, I'm the daughter who shopped every Saturday and ended up hating it. I'm the Queen of "know what you want, get in, and get back out again." I practically worship Amazon.com simply for existing.
If I'm right, though, maybe the self awareness we lack is about our empty holes. That's what I picture them doing, weekend after weekend. Frantically stuffing an empty hole with things.
Maybe this will work as a theorem.
Money is a tool. In order to properly use a tool, you need to know when and how to use it. Unless otherwise indicated, sunscreen won't protect you from bugs and bug-spray won't prevent your sunburn. Perhaps the people who are successful with money and always have what they need, know how and when to use it. While the people who struggle are throwing it into a big empty hole like my mother.
It's a theory anyway. But for me it gives an example of why we try and fail to buy happiness with money. My aunt and my mother didn't really want any of the things they bought. They were trying to buy that happy experience they had as children. I can relate to that. I've had a time period I thought was the happiest in my life and had it go away. If I thought it would have brought it back, I would have even gone shopping on a Saturday.
But it doesn't work that way. Because that isn't really happiness. It is something called attachment. I used to live in an "addiction is something that happens to other people" world. Then I had my own "attachment" incident. It's horrible. I felt like I would never be happy again. I couldn't even rationally see the entire picture. What I lost was everything wonderful. It had been all upside with no bad elements.
Except. At the same time, I could. I could rationally see the picture and I knew it hadn't all been a bed of roses. I knew there was something off in my logic. It was my feelings that were blind. They didn't seem to know or care about any of that.
Like I said, I've always been lucky. In this case, I had my aunt and my mother. I had witnessed this phenomenon up close and personal and I knew I didn't want any part of it.
The answer to how to stop trying to fill our empty holes, is to realize we don't really have any. It's like an exercise in the Law of Attraction. Believe you are lacking something and you will always be lacking. Focus instead on how much you actually have and how grateful you are for it. Or better yet, focus on all you can do for someone else. To date, my happiest moment involved gifts I gave someone I didn't even get to see open them. Trust me, your heart will be so full, you won't have any space to accommodate "lacking." You'll be too busy admiring the supernova of love you've suddenly discovered inside you.
You have to let go, though. See, all that time you've been shoving things into your empty hole, you believed you could fill it. You believed nirvana would come just when you smoothed over the top of that hole. You secretly loved your pain. You loved the fight. You gave yourself pep talks about how much you deserved it. (Both your current failures and your future success.) You are caught in the end reel of an old serial. Forever the hero, reaching for the unattainable. It's time to step off the screen, walk past the seats and out into the daylight. It's time to stop worrying about what you can be and be who you are.
Money is a tool. It can buy you pieces of happiness, freedom, peace of mind, comfort or a lot of other things you might want. It all depends on you, though. You have to know what you're shopping for.
I have been so fortunate in my life. I have been so lucky. I think of the luxury version of money being a fancy hotel with all white and gold fixtures. I really hate white and gold fixtures. What I love is a patina with rich deep colors and a bit of texture and dirt. That budget to mid-range lifestyle suits "me to a T" as long as I add in some perks like traveling wherever I like. (Why, in my head, does it feel like there are rules that mid-range life-stylers are only supposed to take driving vacations? Or if they do fly, they are only allowed the continental US?) Nearly nothing about the luxury lifestyle actually appealed to me, so I never had to figure out how to attract that.
See I'm lucky. I "got it" long ago. Well, at least about money. Money isn't love. It isn't evil. It cannot buy you happiness. See the trick there is, it can buy you things that you may see as the elements which will make you happy. However, the end result is solely dependent on whether or not you clearly discerned what would bring you happiness. We have endless examples where someone tried just that and failed. So we know it isn't a sure deal. It isn't certain enough to write a mathematic equation around.
X (Money) + Y (Things Money Can Buy) = Z (Happiness)
Z would have to have some sort of modifier. Something that quantified the element of self awareness.
That would be a good descriptor, right? Self awareness. Something to describe how accurate you are in pre-determining what will make you happy. I mean, we don't just think it's a crap shoot. We don't just think, "Ok, I'll drop a few grand on this 52" plasma to watch the ball games. MAYBE that will make me happy. Or maybe it will be like having a root canal. Who knows?"
No, I think we're pretty accurate, at least in choosing things we will enjoy. We just don't really seem to think about whether that enjoyment will be long lasting or not.
You'd think I'd given this a lot of thought. Not really. What I did give a lot of thought was my mother and why she behaved in the ways that she did. My mother loved to shop. My mother loved to buy things. I think she loved to shop a little bit more than she loved to buy things, but she loved to shop and buy things way more than she liked actually having things. Don't get me wrong. To anybody other than me, my mother would cut you to the quick if you were taking something that was hers. But other than the notion of how much stuff she had, she didn't care as much about those things. You could watch dust collect on some of them or notice packages that had never actually been opened. It didn't take me long to realize what she loved was shopping and buying. At first I saw it in some sort of terms of "the thrill of the hunt." Except I realized my mother's shopping style was much more like "shooting fish in a barrel." It must have been then that my mother talked about her childhood and repeated one of her stories.
I need to explain. That was what my mother talked about most. Her childhood. Over and over and over again. We existed in a weird world where no one ever even bothered to point out, "Hey I've heard this one before." We just listened as if it was the first time. I need to explain too that she and her sister never got along. They would hate each other for 20 year spans. As a child, I was instructed that, if I saw my aunt, I was to pretend I didn't see her.
When you live in families with weird rules like that, you spend a lot of time trying to understand what is going on.
My mother was a child during World War II. Even though there was rationing, my grandparents would take my mother and her sister out window shopping every Saturday. While I was living in their household and had no capability of doing anything else, my mother and father took me out shopping every Saturday. After I moved out, my parents still went out shopping every Saturday until my mother's poor health prevented her from going. Then she sent my father.
It was after my aunt died and I heard the details of her life that were previously unknown to me that I began to believe what I had already suspected. You see, my aunt was a hoarder too. She went shopping every Saturday too. What I decided was that one of those Saturdays back in the 40's was very special to those two little girls. Whatever happened. Whatever they purchased or simply dreamt of purchasing, it translated to them as happiness. But the rest of their lives, no matter what they bought, neither of them was ever really happy. It never lasted. Because the next Saturday? They were right out there again. I could be wrong, but I've always suspected if they simply had pieced things together like I did. If they had looked at the arrangement of their lives like I did, maybe they would have stopped shopping and actually ended up happy. But really I'm just guessing. After all, I'm the daughter who shopped every Saturday and ended up hating it. I'm the Queen of "know what you want, get in, and get back out again." I practically worship Amazon.com simply for existing.
If I'm right, though, maybe the self awareness we lack is about our empty holes. That's what I picture them doing, weekend after weekend. Frantically stuffing an empty hole with things.
Maybe this will work as a theorem.
Money is a tool. In order to properly use a tool, you need to know when and how to use it. Unless otherwise indicated, sunscreen won't protect you from bugs and bug-spray won't prevent your sunburn. Perhaps the people who are successful with money and always have what they need, know how and when to use it. While the people who struggle are throwing it into a big empty hole like my mother.
It's a theory anyway. But for me it gives an example of why we try and fail to buy happiness with money. My aunt and my mother didn't really want any of the things they bought. They were trying to buy that happy experience they had as children. I can relate to that. I've had a time period I thought was the happiest in my life and had it go away. If I thought it would have brought it back, I would have even gone shopping on a Saturday.
But it doesn't work that way. Because that isn't really happiness. It is something called attachment. I used to live in an "addiction is something that happens to other people" world. Then I had my own "attachment" incident. It's horrible. I felt like I would never be happy again. I couldn't even rationally see the entire picture. What I lost was everything wonderful. It had been all upside with no bad elements.
Except. At the same time, I could. I could rationally see the picture and I knew it hadn't all been a bed of roses. I knew there was something off in my logic. It was my feelings that were blind. They didn't seem to know or care about any of that.
Like I said, I've always been lucky. In this case, I had my aunt and my mother. I had witnessed this phenomenon up close and personal and I knew I didn't want any part of it.
The answer to how to stop trying to fill our empty holes, is to realize we don't really have any. It's like an exercise in the Law of Attraction. Believe you are lacking something and you will always be lacking. Focus instead on how much you actually have and how grateful you are for it. Or better yet, focus on all you can do for someone else. To date, my happiest moment involved gifts I gave someone I didn't even get to see open them. Trust me, your heart will be so full, you won't have any space to accommodate "lacking." You'll be too busy admiring the supernova of love you've suddenly discovered inside you.
You have to let go, though. See, all that time you've been shoving things into your empty hole, you believed you could fill it. You believed nirvana would come just when you smoothed over the top of that hole. You secretly loved your pain. You loved the fight. You gave yourself pep talks about how much you deserved it. (Both your current failures and your future success.) You are caught in the end reel of an old serial. Forever the hero, reaching for the unattainable. It's time to step off the screen, walk past the seats and out into the daylight. It's time to stop worrying about what you can be and be who you are.
Money is a tool. It can buy you pieces of happiness, freedom, peace of mind, comfort or a lot of other things you might want. It all depends on you, though. You have to know what you're shopping for.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Change (aka Why I am one of the Luckiest People on the Planet)
A long time ago I had a very sad lunch with a friend I didn't know all that well whose marriage was ending. It was a strange situation in that she had incorporated me into her circle of friends to the point where she felt comfortable asking a very large favor (the one I was being treated to lunch for doing,) but I had always thought of her as a "friend of a friend." "People pleaser" that I am, I did the favor even though it took me more than 50 miles out of my way on my day off.
It wasn't a very fun lunch and the food was not especially memorable. What stays with me is the conversation surrounding her soon to be ex-husband, although we didn't actually know it yet then. The chorus to her complaints was always, "He's changed. Why did he change? I didn't change."
My challenge of the day became how many ways I could think of to tell her, "Change is good. People change. It's a good thing. People are supposed to change."
While I was never sure he meant it as a compliment, my ex-husband used to say to me: "You are constantly reinventing yourself." Now I realize it is probably one of the best and most advantageous things about me. I have embraced change for most of my adult life and I have never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness. The changes my ex-husband witnessed were mostly of the surface variety. He met and married me as a Clerk-Typist working at Mare Island. For a year or two afterwards, I worked as a Secretary and then chose to down size to working part time at a bookstore while I "worked" towards my true passion, writing. Of course that drifted to community college classes and the growth of my other passion, photography. For awhile, I created fine art photography and actually sold it at galleries and shows.
An underlying theme in my choices has always been freedom. Freedom of time. Freedom of choice. The ever present itch for freedom always made me suspect that wedding or product photography would kill the passion inside me. Even if I could think of an outlet for my writing in a pre-Blogger world, chances are copywriting or articles would be equally suspect. The thing that makes the artist starve is their own artistic attitude and an unwillingness to compromise.
I need to take a moment and express my appreciation that I was able to make those changes. I know my ex-husband wasn't happy about them, yet I was lucky enough to do them anyway. I am blessed two fold. First, that I have had wonderful people along the way who enabled me to change, whether they were totally onboard with the idea or not. Second, that I have always embraced change.
You know I don't mean simply the transition from Clerk-Typist to Photographer. Although a lot of my changes do include physical aspects, it is the accompanying emotional aspects for which I am the most grateful.
Let me give you an example of how they actually work in tandem. Somewhere near the end of my marriage, I decided I wanted to learn how to build a computer. My father had recently purchased one put together by a Mare Island retiree and it really didn't seem like that big of a deal. I thought you could fine tune a computer to be more what you wanted or needed if you built one yourself. I thought maybe you could build more computer for less than you might pay otherwise. Mostly, I wanted a good media computer because I was getting sick and tired of discovering new and wonderful music in movies only to find no one "in charge" thought it was worthy of being released on a soundtrack. It might seem like a big leap, from Clerk-Typist to Computer Geek, but when you frame it under "Recording Geek" it might make more sense. Especially if I tell you that a few years earlier I mapped out what I needed to do to transfer reel to reel tape family home recordings onto audio cassette and did the work myself.
Around the same time as when I got the itch to build a computer, my ex-husband's work was buying new computers and selling the old ones for a cheap price to their employees. I saw an opportunity. After several months, a nearly rebuilt computer and several thousand "God dammit's" screamed by me in of all places our living room, he convinced me to pay someone else to build one. Honestly, it was one of the defining reasons I later concluded we were incompatible. See, I may have been born with the self esteem to attempt building my own computer like that, but I lost it for many years along the way. I had already changed nine or ten times just to build up the self esteem to believe I could do that. Finding out that the only reason my re-built computer didn't work as well as the paid for one was because I had underestimated the aspect of Dell propriety software interwoven in the Bios and Windows operating system changed me an eleventh time and probably pushed me towards the self esteem I needed to believe I could get a divorce.
I believe change is unavoidable and by extension an essential component of being alive. Say no to change and you find yourself being an accomplice to a tiny portion of your own demise. Oddly my father was actually a fan of change, or at least the growth of technology, and one of his favorite notions was that of a "paradigm shift." A paradigm shift as explained and paraphrased via Wikipedia is a change in the basic assumptions, or paradigms, within the ruling theory of science. Among my family it morphed into less of a term about science and more of a term about society. We live in times where an individual can actually experience multiple societal paradigm shifts in his own lifetime. Don't believe me? Just think about all of the different ways you have played or recorded music at home and let your brain wander to as many of the accompanying changes that had to happen as you can imagine. Darwin's theory of the Survival of the Fittest was referring not to the strongest as popularly presumed, but the "Most Adaptable to Change." When those societal paradigm shifts occur, those most adaptable to change just bob and weave along with them.
Even the most reluctant to change have it thrust upon them as they age. One day you look at the "Sexiest Man Alive" cover of People magazine and think who the hell is that? You never realize you've been listening to your favorite high school songs for decades until you hear them in some venue calling them "oldies."
Change is good. People change. It's a good thing. People are supposed to change.
Lately I've realized it doesn't come without a price. Perhaps more than one. The one I have encountered recently are the people you leave behind. A lot of people don't choose change and have only the amount that is inevitable. For someone like me, chasing change like a spiritualist chases enlightenment, only I can really grasp how much I've changed. Put it this way, not that long ago the person who was me would have been completely intimidated by the me I am now. She would have noticed my confidence and the ease of my smile. Depending on which earlier sister, she may have been jealous and hated me or she may have wanted to hang out with me and hoped that whatever I had was contagious. I can make that guess, colored with emotional speculations, because I have scattered friends lost along the way. The losses of a paradigm shift between my view of the world and theirs. We transitioned from chatting buddies to strangers who no longer knew what to say to each other. The worst part is that sometimes as we part ways and they are stating their case, I know exactly what they mean. I just no longer feel the same way. I won't lie to you. I have suffered heartbreaking losses this way. Yet it was still worth it. I still say I am one of the luckiest people on the planet.
Did you hear the part about "I never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness?"
The greatest gift my childhood gave me was a model of how I didn't want to behave. My parents had good intentions, but like many, neither the training nor experience to confidently pull off a "No Loss" job. Those losses as well as those wins shaped me into the person I am today, was yesterday and will be tomorrow. It left me with just enough self awareness not to like what I saw and have the drive to change it. Even while I wallowed in unhappiness, my drive pushed, "if it doesn't make you happy, identify the problem and edit it out." Taking in just the portion entitled "adult life," my life has transitioned from a black and white Kansas to the technicolor of Oz.
From jobs to hobbies to learning about the present moment, I have never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness.
It wasn't a very fun lunch and the food was not especially memorable. What stays with me is the conversation surrounding her soon to be ex-husband, although we didn't actually know it yet then. The chorus to her complaints was always, "He's changed. Why did he change? I didn't change."
My challenge of the day became how many ways I could think of to tell her, "Change is good. People change. It's a good thing. People are supposed to change."
While I was never sure he meant it as a compliment, my ex-husband used to say to me: "You are constantly reinventing yourself." Now I realize it is probably one of the best and most advantageous things about me. I have embraced change for most of my adult life and I have never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness. The changes my ex-husband witnessed were mostly of the surface variety. He met and married me as a Clerk-Typist working at Mare Island. For a year or two afterwards, I worked as a Secretary and then chose to down size to working part time at a bookstore while I "worked" towards my true passion, writing. Of course that drifted to community college classes and the growth of my other passion, photography. For awhile, I created fine art photography and actually sold it at galleries and shows.
An underlying theme in my choices has always been freedom. Freedom of time. Freedom of choice. The ever present itch for freedom always made me suspect that wedding or product photography would kill the passion inside me. Even if I could think of an outlet for my writing in a pre-Blogger world, chances are copywriting or articles would be equally suspect. The thing that makes the artist starve is their own artistic attitude and an unwillingness to compromise.
I need to take a moment and express my appreciation that I was able to make those changes. I know my ex-husband wasn't happy about them, yet I was lucky enough to do them anyway. I am blessed two fold. First, that I have had wonderful people along the way who enabled me to change, whether they were totally onboard with the idea or not. Second, that I have always embraced change.
You know I don't mean simply the transition from Clerk-Typist to Photographer. Although a lot of my changes do include physical aspects, it is the accompanying emotional aspects for which I am the most grateful.
Let me give you an example of how they actually work in tandem. Somewhere near the end of my marriage, I decided I wanted to learn how to build a computer. My father had recently purchased one put together by a Mare Island retiree and it really didn't seem like that big of a deal. I thought you could fine tune a computer to be more what you wanted or needed if you built one yourself. I thought maybe you could build more computer for less than you might pay otherwise. Mostly, I wanted a good media computer because I was getting sick and tired of discovering new and wonderful music in movies only to find no one "in charge" thought it was worthy of being released on a soundtrack. It might seem like a big leap, from Clerk-Typist to Computer Geek, but when you frame it under "Recording Geek" it might make more sense. Especially if I tell you that a few years earlier I mapped out what I needed to do to transfer reel to reel tape family home recordings onto audio cassette and did the work myself.
Around the same time as when I got the itch to build a computer, my ex-husband's work was buying new computers and selling the old ones for a cheap price to their employees. I saw an opportunity. After several months, a nearly rebuilt computer and several thousand "God dammit's" screamed by me in of all places our living room, he convinced me to pay someone else to build one. Honestly, it was one of the defining reasons I later concluded we were incompatible. See, I may have been born with the self esteem to attempt building my own computer like that, but I lost it for many years along the way. I had already changed nine or ten times just to build up the self esteem to believe I could do that. Finding out that the only reason my re-built computer didn't work as well as the paid for one was because I had underestimated the aspect of Dell propriety software interwoven in the Bios and Windows operating system changed me an eleventh time and probably pushed me towards the self esteem I needed to believe I could get a divorce.
I believe change is unavoidable and by extension an essential component of being alive. Say no to change and you find yourself being an accomplice to a tiny portion of your own demise. Oddly my father was actually a fan of change, or at least the growth of technology, and one of his favorite notions was that of a "paradigm shift." A paradigm shift as explained and paraphrased via Wikipedia is a change in the basic assumptions, or paradigms, within the ruling theory of science. Among my family it morphed into less of a term about science and more of a term about society. We live in times where an individual can actually experience multiple societal paradigm shifts in his own lifetime. Don't believe me? Just think about all of the different ways you have played or recorded music at home and let your brain wander to as many of the accompanying changes that had to happen as you can imagine. Darwin's theory of the Survival of the Fittest was referring not to the strongest as popularly presumed, but the "Most Adaptable to Change." When those societal paradigm shifts occur, those most adaptable to change just bob and weave along with them.
Even the most reluctant to change have it thrust upon them as they age. One day you look at the "Sexiest Man Alive" cover of People magazine and think who the hell is that? You never realize you've been listening to your favorite high school songs for decades until you hear them in some venue calling them "oldies."
Change is good. People change. It's a good thing. People are supposed to change.
Lately I've realized it doesn't come without a price. Perhaps more than one. The one I have encountered recently are the people you leave behind. A lot of people don't choose change and have only the amount that is inevitable. For someone like me, chasing change like a spiritualist chases enlightenment, only I can really grasp how much I've changed. Put it this way, not that long ago the person who was me would have been completely intimidated by the me I am now. She would have noticed my confidence and the ease of my smile. Depending on which earlier sister, she may have been jealous and hated me or she may have wanted to hang out with me and hoped that whatever I had was contagious. I can make that guess, colored with emotional speculations, because I have scattered friends lost along the way. The losses of a paradigm shift between my view of the world and theirs. We transitioned from chatting buddies to strangers who no longer knew what to say to each other. The worst part is that sometimes as we part ways and they are stating their case, I know exactly what they mean. I just no longer feel the same way. I won't lie to you. I have suffered heartbreaking losses this way. Yet it was still worth it. I still say I am one of the luckiest people on the planet.
Did you hear the part about "I never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness?"
The greatest gift my childhood gave me was a model of how I didn't want to behave. My parents had good intentions, but like many, neither the training nor experience to confidently pull off a "No Loss" job. Those losses as well as those wins shaped me into the person I am today, was yesterday and will be tomorrow. It left me with just enough self awareness not to like what I saw and have the drive to change it. Even while I wallowed in unhappiness, my drive pushed, "if it doesn't make you happy, identify the problem and edit it out." Taking in just the portion entitled "adult life," my life has transitioned from a black and white Kansas to the technicolor of Oz.
From jobs to hobbies to learning about the present moment, I have never made a change which didn't bring me more happiness.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
The Decisions You Make
A few months back I was talking with a friend about her damaged uncle. My friend, while I'm sure she has struggled with different issues throughout her life, is one of those people who can just push through the discomfort quickly and emerge victoriously on the other side. To an outside viewer, she appears to do it effortlessly. I couldn't even begin to tell you what childhood mishaps attacked her self esteem because she never seems to have made them her home. My struggles more closely parallel those of her uncle and I found myself trying to explain why a man in the final decades of his life could still be struggling with "but my parents mistreated me." Repeated attempts made me believe three undeniable concepts are at work.
1. No matter how old a person is, if he or she can still mentally touch an open wound from past mistreatment, there will be a corresponding degree of rigidity and incapability to change and move forward. It is easy to assume the larger the pain, the greater the problems, but I don't think that necessarily plays out. Or at least not in an obvious way. For one thing, pain is individual. Most of my childhood problems were more of the "Barbie gets caught on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood" variety. There was a very funny moment in a very disturbing movie remake decades ago. The movie was "The Collector" and the laughable moment was when the heroine, already being stalked by her eventual killer, heatedly explains her discomfort to the police. "He gave me gifts!" I can't tell you how many times I've remembered that scene and my nervous laughter when I've tried to explain my relationship with my parents and why I've struggled with self esteem.
Pain is individual. We're not allowed to line up the damaged and judge whether or not they have a right to feel hurt. I believe an individual's problem moving forward stems less from how badly he was hurt than what he does with that pain. Do you remember one of your first childhood cuts or scrapes? Remember poking the wound throughout the healing process to see if it still hurt? A skinned knee will eventually scab over and that poke won't feel any different than it does to the adjacent skin. Emotional wounds don't heal the same way and repeated checks, rather than confirming or denying forward progress, tend to create a habit of negatively reaffirming your life. People who are stuck in this "Groundhog Day" of emotional pain seem to believe they can move to forgiveness when it no longer hurts and don't realize that the healing will begin (and it will hurt less) AFTER they forgive.
2. Frequently, pain colors "the damaged's" entire life. On a ten scale for difficulty, they wake up every day at about an eight. Before the red lights, traffic jams, road rage or other daily challenges, they wake up thinking: "What the hell might happen next. I don't know if I can stand much more." There's a good chance they have at least a few documentable obvious problems like debt or health issues. Their baggage contains a whole lot of entitlement because "my life has just been so hard or unfair, I really need someone to acknowledge or validate my pain." They don't need to poke the wound to see if it still hurts. It always hurts. It never goes away. That is exactly how I felt during the years leading up to my divorce as well as a few afterwards. "Can't anybody see I'm drowning here? Somebody, anybody, please throw me a line."
I was talking with a friend recently about one of her retail customers. The woman was one of those constant complainers. Nothing was right. Nothing was what she wanted. All of which added up in the customer's view to discounts she was entitled to receive as well as a free coke. I listened, all the while feeling very fortunate she had not been my customer. Then I tried to explain to my friend why the woman might be that way only to discover my friend already knew. A core limiting belief of people in that mode of thinking is "no one understands me." In reality, a lot of people do understand and aren't without empathy at your situation. They genuinely are sorry for all of the lemons life has handed you. What they don't understand is why you felt the need to build a monument to that pain and move in there. At the same time, you are not a lot of fun to be around and "if you can't find a way to "move on" emotionally, could you please just "move on" physically. Seriously, there are other stores that sell this stuff, you know?"
This sort of person is stuck where they are because everything is filtered through "me." Rather than noticing how hard the sales person may have tried before they gave up, they will be stuck in the fervent outrage of "how could they treat me that way? Don't they know the customer is always right? I'll show them. I'm never coming here again!" Never realizing the sales person is probably thinking, "You promise?"
The empathy that "damaged" is looking for is also the exit door he or she keeps missing. It is a "get what you give" world. If you aren't receiving any empathy, appreciation or consideration, there is a high likelihood you aren't giving them to anybody either. Besides which, remember that notion "pain is individual?" The worst childhood story I have ever heard involved the children of an undiagnosed schizophrenic woman who was also a single mom. For the first eight to twelve years of their lives, mom locked them in a closet every day because "the voices" told her that was where they would be safest. I don't know about you, but I know it wouldn't help my self esteem very much to be outrageously indignant about my poor treatment as a customer only to discover my persecutor's childhood was far worse than mine. That isn't even because I know it is a "get what you give" world. It is simply because I have this notion perhaps I don't deserve things I am unwilling to give to others.
3. There comes a time where it is no longer a question of what heinous things may have happened to you. If you aren't happy with your life, it isn't because of your parents, your government, your president, the Democrats or the Republicans or your boss. You are the one ultimately responsible for your life and if you aren't happy, it is exactly like the internet meme says: "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."
Maybe it is as simple as counting your blessings instead of infringements against you. Maybe the world is so offensive because you really are looking to be offended. Maybe each time your thoughts repeat the word "me," as in the sentence "how could you do this to me," you could ask yourself what they might have been feeling right before they hurt your feelings. Could you have unknowingly hurt their feelings? If that is possible, is it possible they didn't know they hurt you? Is it possible that was never their intention?
If you can't do any of that, consider this. Writers, musicians and painters frequently learn their art by emulating the voice or techniques of established masters they admire. Find someone you admire who has whatever it is you feel you lack. Success. Love. Happiness. They have it. You want it. So do what they do. Read their blog or their biography. Look up their Wikipedia. Find out as much as you can about how they have lived their life and repeat it. Fake it to make it. Repeat it every day until you are living the life you want on your own.
1. No matter how old a person is, if he or she can still mentally touch an open wound from past mistreatment, there will be a corresponding degree of rigidity and incapability to change and move forward. It is easy to assume the larger the pain, the greater the problems, but I don't think that necessarily plays out. Or at least not in an obvious way. For one thing, pain is individual. Most of my childhood problems were more of the "Barbie gets caught on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood" variety. There was a very funny moment in a very disturbing movie remake decades ago. The movie was "The Collector" and the laughable moment was when the heroine, already being stalked by her eventual killer, heatedly explains her discomfort to the police. "He gave me gifts!" I can't tell you how many times I've remembered that scene and my nervous laughter when I've tried to explain my relationship with my parents and why I've struggled with self esteem.
Pain is individual. We're not allowed to line up the damaged and judge whether or not they have a right to feel hurt. I believe an individual's problem moving forward stems less from how badly he was hurt than what he does with that pain. Do you remember one of your first childhood cuts or scrapes? Remember poking the wound throughout the healing process to see if it still hurt? A skinned knee will eventually scab over and that poke won't feel any different than it does to the adjacent skin. Emotional wounds don't heal the same way and repeated checks, rather than confirming or denying forward progress, tend to create a habit of negatively reaffirming your life. People who are stuck in this "Groundhog Day" of emotional pain seem to believe they can move to forgiveness when it no longer hurts and don't realize that the healing will begin (and it will hurt less) AFTER they forgive.
2. Frequently, pain colors "the damaged's" entire life. On a ten scale for difficulty, they wake up every day at about an eight. Before the red lights, traffic jams, road rage or other daily challenges, they wake up thinking: "What the hell might happen next. I don't know if I can stand much more." There's a good chance they have at least a few documentable obvious problems like debt or health issues. Their baggage contains a whole lot of entitlement because "my life has just been so hard or unfair, I really need someone to acknowledge or validate my pain." They don't need to poke the wound to see if it still hurts. It always hurts. It never goes away. That is exactly how I felt during the years leading up to my divorce as well as a few afterwards. "Can't anybody see I'm drowning here? Somebody, anybody, please throw me a line."
I was talking with a friend recently about one of her retail customers. The woman was one of those constant complainers. Nothing was right. Nothing was what she wanted. All of which added up in the customer's view to discounts she was entitled to receive as well as a free coke. I listened, all the while feeling very fortunate she had not been my customer. Then I tried to explain to my friend why the woman might be that way only to discover my friend already knew. A core limiting belief of people in that mode of thinking is "no one understands me." In reality, a lot of people do understand and aren't without empathy at your situation. They genuinely are sorry for all of the lemons life has handed you. What they don't understand is why you felt the need to build a monument to that pain and move in there. At the same time, you are not a lot of fun to be around and "if you can't find a way to "move on" emotionally, could you please just "move on" physically. Seriously, there are other stores that sell this stuff, you know?"
This sort of person is stuck where they are because everything is filtered through "me." Rather than noticing how hard the sales person may have tried before they gave up, they will be stuck in the fervent outrage of "how could they treat me that way? Don't they know the customer is always right? I'll show them. I'm never coming here again!" Never realizing the sales person is probably thinking, "You promise?"
The empathy that "damaged" is looking for is also the exit door he or she keeps missing. It is a "get what you give" world. If you aren't receiving any empathy, appreciation or consideration, there is a high likelihood you aren't giving them to anybody either. Besides which, remember that notion "pain is individual?" The worst childhood story I have ever heard involved the children of an undiagnosed schizophrenic woman who was also a single mom. For the first eight to twelve years of their lives, mom locked them in a closet every day because "the voices" told her that was where they would be safest. I don't know about you, but I know it wouldn't help my self esteem very much to be outrageously indignant about my poor treatment as a customer only to discover my persecutor's childhood was far worse than mine. That isn't even because I know it is a "get what you give" world. It is simply because I have this notion perhaps I don't deserve things I am unwilling to give to others.
3. There comes a time where it is no longer a question of what heinous things may have happened to you. If you aren't happy with your life, it isn't because of your parents, your government, your president, the Democrats or the Republicans or your boss. You are the one ultimately responsible for your life and if you aren't happy, it is exactly like the internet meme says: "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."
Maybe it is as simple as counting your blessings instead of infringements against you. Maybe the world is so offensive because you really are looking to be offended. Maybe each time your thoughts repeat the word "me," as in the sentence "how could you do this to me," you could ask yourself what they might have been feeling right before they hurt your feelings. Could you have unknowingly hurt their feelings? If that is possible, is it possible they didn't know they hurt you? Is it possible that was never their intention?
If you can't do any of that, consider this. Writers, musicians and painters frequently learn their art by emulating the voice or techniques of established masters they admire. Find someone you admire who has whatever it is you feel you lack. Success. Love. Happiness. They have it. You want it. So do what they do. Read their blog or their biography. Look up their Wikipedia. Find out as much as you can about how they have lived their life and repeat it. Fake it to make it. Repeat it every day until you are living the life you want on your own.
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