It's Tuesday and time for me to try to make sense of the lessons I've learned this week and the whirlwind of accompanying thoughts. This week I have been reading four books.
Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer to Near Death, to True Healing by Anita Moorjani
What if It All Goes Right? by Mindy Audlin
A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin
Cat Fear No Evil by Shirley Rousseau Murphy
Go ahead and think it. "Four books! What are you, crazy? Aren't they meant to be consumed one at a time?" I used to think that too. It came to the point where, instead of reading several books at once, I read no books at all. A foolish solution because reading has to be one of the top ten things I enjoy doing.
My coaching coach, Gil McIff, frequently says, "The cause of suffering is ignorance of our true nature." In my experience, it is a somewhat uniquely Buddhist concept and is referring to our attachment to what Eckhart Tolle would call "The World of Form." While we wear this suit of flesh, we forget that we are more than this suit of flesh.
I think that is actually limiting things a bit.
This week, I would say that the cause of all suffering with a capital "S," the life and death questions, is because of our ignorance of our true spiritual nature. The cause of the "every day" sufferings, the mere annoyances that give us road rage and petty grievances at least some of the time, might just be our ignorance of our true nature while living in that suit of flesh. In other words, not knowing who we truly are. Like forcing ourselves to read one book at a time, when our mind wants to juggle four. It turns out there is a moment in each of the books that illustrates just what I'm saying. Well, except for "Cat Fear No Evil." Cats, whether they are real living breathing ones, or fictional talking ones, always seem to know who they are.
In "Dying to Be Me" cancer survivor Anita Moorjani tells us of her multicultural upbringing and how she tried to force herself to comply with the expectations of her own culture despite having a personality which thrived on much fewer limitations.
In "What If It All Goes Right?" Mindy Audlin describes a moment I recognized as very similar to ones I myself have had, where she makes assumptions about a person based on her own beliefs of shortcomings or limitations. In other words, she judges someone as being guilty of judging her. What does she think the person is judging her about? She doesn't say it outright, but all of the things would seem to be the big bad ugly things she sometimes tells herself or hears in her head.
In A Clash of Kings, George R. R. Martin gives us poor Theon Greyjoy. Born a Greyjoy, but raised by his father's enemy Eddard Stark, Theon has no idea who he is or what he thinks. Desperate for love and acceptance, to the Starks he will always be a Greyjoy and to the Greyjoys, he seems uncomfortably indoctrinated as a Stark.
In my coaching studies, I've learned that negative emotions are good indicators that you are resisting "what is." Eckhart Tolle sees it as a special sort of madness, resisting "what is" and wanting it to be something else. These moments of mad negative resistance are also good signposts to limiting beliefs. In my case, one of them is "others will see and understand things the same way I do."
Have you ever found yourself doubting a romantic partner because "if he/she really loved me" he or she would behave in a certain way? I had the opportunity to talk with a partner I had formerly questioned like that. Before my coaching studies, I found him very aggravating and compared talking to him with talking to a dog. (As Mindy Audlin, who suggests if we are making assumptions about others, we should always make good ones, would say, it wasn't a very empowering way to view him.)
Specifically, there were times when we were together where I would have preferred he spent the night at my house or showered there instead of going home. When I mentioned it to him at the time, we both would behave as if we felt our own opinion and approach was the more sensible one. Since learning about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming,) I've come to understand that he and I have very different reference maps as to how the world works. That's at the core of why we see things differently.
At the same time, if it was just a question of different maps, why did the misunderstanding strike me as a lack of love on his part? As it happens sometimes, asking myself that question was like finding a corner piece in a jigsaw puzzle. Things suddenly made a lot more sense. You see, one of my favorite things to do in most of my relationships, has been to spend some quality time, frequently by myself, in a partner's living space. Not to do any snooping. I have never once searched a partner's drawers. For me, there is something deliciously intimate and special about sleeping where my partner sleeps or showering where he takes a shower. Every time I offered my living space to my partner, I was offering intimacy. Every time he rationally chose to go home instead, "because that's where my stuff is," I felt rejected and unloved.
My aha! takeaway? Those moments of resistance and disappointment? What if, instead of using them to judge partners as to whether or not they are a comfortable fit, we used them to better understand ourselves? After all, if we all have different maps of how the world works, how can your partner begin to understand yours if you don't understand it yourself?
At the same time, we are told that before we can truly love someone else, we have to love ourself. I don't necessarily agree with that. You see, my "self love" has always been there. It's a stubborn persistent sort of thing. I know it's there because I never really give up on myself. At the same time, I have had an instance where I was willing to sacrifice myself nearly completely for someone else because I loved him. It was a futile exercise, pointless, misguided and doomed to fail. Totally resisting "what is," in other words "mad," but that doesn't mean it wasn't "love" and it has given me a blueprint for what I need to do. With that same intensity and detailed emotion, I need to sacrifice my Theon Lovejoy-esque need for love and acceptance nearly completely. For me. Because I love me.
I think we fall in love by meeting someone, noticing things about him/her and telling ourselves stories as to who that person is. We fall in love with our own stories. This week I got to know Angela a little better. She likes to read four books at once and sleep in a bed or with a pillow scented by someone she deeply cares about. Isn't she great? I just love her.
Showing posts with label NLP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NLP. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
In Search of "Happy"
This week I've been reading The Ultimate Introduction to NLP: How to Build a Successful Life by Richard Bandler. Although I already had the first pieces to the puzzle, it gave me a bit of an Aha! moment.
In a typical NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) fashion, I ask you to think of something fun. Think of a time when you were wildly happy. If the moment doesn't make you feel like giggling right now as you're thinking about it, you probably need another moment. Think of one of the best feelings you've had. Maybe something so good, you would be embarrassed to share it.
Got it?
Now notice where you feel the emotion in your body. Where does it start? What part of you? Where does it move to? Play with the movement of the emotion. See if it has a color associated with it and see if you can move it through your body. Visualize a lever named "Fun" in your mind and picture moving the feeling throughout your body by moving the lever.
Congratulations. You have just created a lever in the control panel of your mind where you can access "fun" or "happiness" whenever you want.
I've mentioned the Law of Attraction before in this blog. Step 4 of the Law of Attraction is to "Nevellize" (a term coined by Joe Vitale honoring Neville Goddard, an earlier pioneer in the field of the Law of Attraction.) To "Nevellize" is to feel as if you are already living the life of your dreams. If you were living your dream life, you'd probably feel pretty happy, huh? You just built a lever to help you Nevellize. At the same time, we tend to attract people and events that broadcast at our same frequency. There's a very good argument that, if you flipped your switch to "fun" every morning before you went to work or whatever else you did during your day, you would attract only more fun and happiness to you. Even if you didn't believe in the Law of Attraction, couldn't you argue that, by choosing to be happy, your days would be happy?
Now that was not my Aha! moment. I had already learned that if a person can control his mind and choose to be happy, he/she will be happier. It had been a slow realization that came from Eckhart Tolle's quote that I no longer con recall well enough to quote. Basically it was addressing the need to go find yourself and was something like "it takes no time to be you." It also came from witnessing other people who had the belief that you could simply choose to be happy and their subsequent successes and failures.
Now maybe some of you, when I told you to think of a time when you were wildly happy, were faced with an empty head completely silent of any suggestions. Maybe you were left with a big, "hmmmm let me think about this a moment." If so, you're not alone. I was in that exact same place the first time I was ever approached to do this exercise. First, my mind was a big empty black hole. Then, I had a few memories of good times but they were irrevocably intertwined with bad things that happened later. In fact, a good portion of my life has been lived in search of "happy." At times it has been a little embarrassing. My search has come up in conversations with other people. Friends, who invariably would say, "What about when we did this? You had fun. You certainly laughed a lot." It was embarrassing because I lacked the skills to explain that, while their memories seemed vivid and fully detailed, mine were weak and pale, lacking any real substance. That was my Aha! moment. I can explain now because I understand what was happening to me and I know what to do about it.
As Richard Bandler asks in the book: Have you ever had an argument and then replayed it in your memory afterwards? Have you ever replayed an argument for what added up to be much more time than the actual argument lasted? How about this. Have you ever played an argument in your mind, which hasn't happened, but you anticipate it might? You might imagine that my answers were yes, yes and yes! And you'd be right. In the book, Bandler refers to a client who has replayed arguments she had with her mother for years after her mother has died.
How much of the present moment do you think you experience when you're mentally in the audience for an argument that happened years ago? As a child, I learned to constantly troubleshoot my environment. I was always watching my mother's mood, desperate to keep it from switching, but wanting to be aware the instant it did.
Have you ever put a very dry sponge into water? A sponge so dry that it took it a moment to actually be able to absorb anything? That was me and "happy." Basically, I pursued being happy. I did "happy things." But I did them like I was the Universe's Secret Service and I was always on the job.
I attracted a lot of other people like me into my life too. I once went on a trip to Walt Disney World with a man who later told me his every day "base" emotion was anger. Now that was a fun trip. He spent his trip being angry about the lines, how much things cost, and the fact the rides emptied into gift shops and I spent my trip micro-managing how to keep him from getting angry.
It's funny. I got that way because I had been hurt and scared a few times and I wanted to protect myself from it happening again. What I really did to myself, though, was lock myself in a mental prison of worrying about all the worst things that could happen and I very nearly threw away the key.
But I didn't. If you can relate to what I've said and have problems naming a time you were "happy" too. You can retrieve the key as well.
1. Practice being in the present moment. Life happens in the present moment. It is the only moment we actually have. The past is passed and the future is just an idea. Be here now. One excellent tool for doing that is Gil Mciff's Three Step Clearing Method. I mentioned it in a previous blog entry ("The Law of Attraction and What You Resist, Persists" October 7, 2014.) But here it is again.
2. Observe it deeply. What physical and emotional sensations do I feel? Where do I feel them? Or simply I feel it (here,) it feels like (this.) Realize who is doing this inquiring?
3. Thank you for checking in. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for no longer feeding the program. Thank you for dis-identifying from the program, thank you for catching yourself and for no longer losing energy here. Thank you for whatever you want to say thank you for. I love you, I love you, I love you!
There it is. That's not me. That's a program.
I feel it here (location,) it feels like this (characteristics.)
Thank you for checking in, I love you I love you I love you.
These steps are not for the purpose of getting rid of the negative feeling (i.e. resisting and therefore feeding what we don't want. That benefit may sometimes come with it, but this practice is more about implementing a new habit/program. So every time you observe the emotion, it's an opportunity to do this practice without judgement. It doesn't matter what emotion is there, what matters is that you simply observe it without giving it any meaning. When this becomes habit you will have successfully reprogrammed the unconscious perpetuation of the old reaction with the automatic newly programmed conscious response.
It takes less than 30 seconds to do this practice. 30 seconds at 10x a day = 5 minutes
How many days will it take before this healthy response has become a new program for you?
2. Actively choose to be happy. Do the "Fun" lever exercise and build a control panel in your head that helps you select how you want to feel rather than being on a treadmill of worry or negativity. Start each day with a happy frame of mind. When you are in the midst of a happy experience, really feel it. Take in all of the sensory details.
In a typical NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) fashion, I ask you to think of something fun. Think of a time when you were wildly happy. If the moment doesn't make you feel like giggling right now as you're thinking about it, you probably need another moment. Think of one of the best feelings you've had. Maybe something so good, you would be embarrassed to share it.
Got it?
Now notice where you feel the emotion in your body. Where does it start? What part of you? Where does it move to? Play with the movement of the emotion. See if it has a color associated with it and see if you can move it through your body. Visualize a lever named "Fun" in your mind and picture moving the feeling throughout your body by moving the lever.
Congratulations. You have just created a lever in the control panel of your mind where you can access "fun" or "happiness" whenever you want.
I've mentioned the Law of Attraction before in this blog. Step 4 of the Law of Attraction is to "Nevellize" (a term coined by Joe Vitale honoring Neville Goddard, an earlier pioneer in the field of the Law of Attraction.) To "Nevellize" is to feel as if you are already living the life of your dreams. If you were living your dream life, you'd probably feel pretty happy, huh? You just built a lever to help you Nevellize. At the same time, we tend to attract people and events that broadcast at our same frequency. There's a very good argument that, if you flipped your switch to "fun" every morning before you went to work or whatever else you did during your day, you would attract only more fun and happiness to you. Even if you didn't believe in the Law of Attraction, couldn't you argue that, by choosing to be happy, your days would be happy?
Now that was not my Aha! moment. I had already learned that if a person can control his mind and choose to be happy, he/she will be happier. It had been a slow realization that came from Eckhart Tolle's quote that I no longer con recall well enough to quote. Basically it was addressing the need to go find yourself and was something like "it takes no time to be you." It also came from witnessing other people who had the belief that you could simply choose to be happy and their subsequent successes and failures.
Now maybe some of you, when I told you to think of a time when you were wildly happy, were faced with an empty head completely silent of any suggestions. Maybe you were left with a big, "hmmmm let me think about this a moment." If so, you're not alone. I was in that exact same place the first time I was ever approached to do this exercise. First, my mind was a big empty black hole. Then, I had a few memories of good times but they were irrevocably intertwined with bad things that happened later. In fact, a good portion of my life has been lived in search of "happy." At times it has been a little embarrassing. My search has come up in conversations with other people. Friends, who invariably would say, "What about when we did this? You had fun. You certainly laughed a lot." It was embarrassing because I lacked the skills to explain that, while their memories seemed vivid and fully detailed, mine were weak and pale, lacking any real substance. That was my Aha! moment. I can explain now because I understand what was happening to me and I know what to do about it.
As Richard Bandler asks in the book: Have you ever had an argument and then replayed it in your memory afterwards? Have you ever replayed an argument for what added up to be much more time than the actual argument lasted? How about this. Have you ever played an argument in your mind, which hasn't happened, but you anticipate it might? You might imagine that my answers were yes, yes and yes! And you'd be right. In the book, Bandler refers to a client who has replayed arguments she had with her mother for years after her mother has died.
How much of the present moment do you think you experience when you're mentally in the audience for an argument that happened years ago? As a child, I learned to constantly troubleshoot my environment. I was always watching my mother's mood, desperate to keep it from switching, but wanting to be aware the instant it did.
Have you ever put a very dry sponge into water? A sponge so dry that it took it a moment to actually be able to absorb anything? That was me and "happy." Basically, I pursued being happy. I did "happy things." But I did them like I was the Universe's Secret Service and I was always on the job.
I attracted a lot of other people like me into my life too. I once went on a trip to Walt Disney World with a man who later told me his every day "base" emotion was anger. Now that was a fun trip. He spent his trip being angry about the lines, how much things cost, and the fact the rides emptied into gift shops and I spent my trip micro-managing how to keep him from getting angry.
It's funny. I got that way because I had been hurt and scared a few times and I wanted to protect myself from it happening again. What I really did to myself, though, was lock myself in a mental prison of worrying about all the worst things that could happen and I very nearly threw away the key.
But I didn't. If you can relate to what I've said and have problems naming a time you were "happy" too. You can retrieve the key as well.
1. Practice being in the present moment. Life happens in the present moment. It is the only moment we actually have. The past is passed and the future is just an idea. Be here now. One excellent tool for doing that is Gil Mciff's Three Step Clearing Method. I mentioned it in a previous blog entry ("The Law of Attraction and What You Resist, Persists" October 7, 2014.) But here it is again.
Three Step Clearing Method by Gil Mciff
Feeding what you want is natural and easy, you are already doing this in many ways.
The emphasis of this practice is focused on starving what you don't want by simply observing your emotions and thereby dis-identifying from being them.
Your habitual state of consciousness is the number one determinant of your personal circumstances. The quality of your consciousness in this moment is the primary determinant of your future. And what determines the quality of your consciousness is your degree of presence.
Check in 10x a day with the question: "How am I feeling emotionally in my body right now?"
You can use a reminder app or alarm on your phone, sticky notes placed in random places, paint one fingernail different from the rest, wear your watch on the opposite wrist or upside down, or put a bandaid on your finger. Every time this catches your attention, ask yourself, "Emotionally, how do I feel in my body right now?"
(A further suggestion my fellow coaching student told me was to do it every time you needed to use the toilet or took a drink of water.)
If there is ANY kind of negativity or if it is simply a lower emotion than you would like to be feeling, the fact is you did not choose it. It's based on conditioned interpretation and is simply an old program running and it is time to do the following 3 steps:
(If you are feeling what you would like to be feeling then start with step 2.)
1. Say These Specific Words - There it is. That's not me. That's a program.
3. Thank you for checking in. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for no longer feeding the program. Thank you for dis-identifying from the program, thank you for catching yourself and for no longer losing energy here. Thank you for whatever you want to say thank you for. I love you, I love you, I love you!
There it is. That's not me. That's a program.
I feel it here (location,) it feels like this (characteristics.)
Thank you for checking in, I love you I love you I love you.
These steps are not for the purpose of getting rid of the negative feeling (i.e. resisting and therefore feeding what we don't want. That benefit may sometimes come with it, but this practice is more about implementing a new habit/program. So every time you observe the emotion, it's an opportunity to do this practice without judgement. It doesn't matter what emotion is there, what matters is that you simply observe it without giving it any meaning. When this becomes habit you will have successfully reprogrammed the unconscious perpetuation of the old reaction with the automatic newly programmed conscious response.
It takes less than 30 seconds to do this practice. 30 seconds at 10x a day = 5 minutes
How many days will it take before this healthy response has become a new program for you?
2. Actively choose to be happy. Do the "Fun" lever exercise and build a control panel in your head that helps you select how you want to feel rather than being on a treadmill of worry or negativity. Start each day with a happy frame of mind. When you are in the midst of a happy experience, really feel it. Take in all of the sensory details.
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