The Law of Attraction and What You Resist, Persists

It is early Tuesday morning.  I should be asleep.  I haven't written my "regular Tuesday blog" yet and the idea I want to talk about keeps writing me awake.  In other words, I toss and turn, telling myself, "you'll be tired tomorrow, if you get up now."  At the same time, I'm afraid I'll forget my chain of thought, so my mind keeps fashioning the sentences and words.  It keeps writing the blog I would like to wait until tomorrow to say.

As Carl Jung said, "What you resist, persists."

Which is exactly the thought that keeps praying on my mind this morning.  In this blog, I've talked a lot about the Law of Attraction, which was recently made a popular concept by a book and movie called "The Secret."  At the time, a lot of people watched the movie seeing only desire and avarice and they resisted its message.  Other people watched with desire, if not avarice, and saw only a way to achieve their goals.  Both missed grasping a very large point.  In science, a law is defined as "a statement of fact, deduced from observation, to the effect that a particular natural or scientific phenomenon always occurs if certain conditions are present."  When we talk about the Law of Attraction, we are not talking about that other kind of law, "the system of rules that a particular country or community recognizes as regulating the actions of its members," we are speaking of a scientific law.  A statement based on repeated experimental observations that describes some aspect of the universe.  Why is this an important distinction?  We may focus on attempting to attract the happiness and wealth we would like to see in our lifetimes, but the truth is, we are always attracting our life's outcomes to us whether we are attempting a desirable one or not.

Part of the beauty of the five step method of working with the Law of Attraction is that it encourages taking responsibility for the type of life you have attracted yourself into and gives you tools with which to try and improve your outcomes.

We humans tend to resist pain.  Not only pain, but very individualized pain based on our versions of hell.

It happens roughly like this:

We are born
Things happen to us
Eventually we begin to judge those things as pleasant or unpleasant
We begin to resist the unpleasant things

What we resist, persists.

In other words, our personal Law of Attraction outcome gets stuck on negative.  That's because resistance requires a whole lot of energy and attention.  We attract what we give energy and attention.  So by resisting what we don't want, we actually receive more of it rather than less.

Why do we experience pain?  Frequently it is a lesson or warning that we are in danger.  Touch fire and you will get burned.  That painful sensation prevents us from being seriously damaged by fire when we are in a position to avoid it.  The popular definition of karma is basically the same as "what goes around comes around" or "we reap what we sow," but another, if less well known interpretation is that the lessons we need to learn throughout our lives, will repeat until we have learned them.

Someone asked me recently, "That means I attracted the men who cheated on me intentionally.  Why did I want that?"  

I couldn't answer.  The things we resist on an emotional level aren't the same as brussels sprouts or liver.  We don't tend to itemize them in our conscious mind.  The best I could do is tell her to focus on how it had made her feel.  In other words, the "why" component to the first step of the five steps to the Law of Attraction.  The first step is to be "crystal clear about what you don't want and why."  It not only shines a light on what we DO want, it also illuminates those unpleasant things and feelings we are likely to resist.  Combine those feelings you resist with the limiting beliefs you are trying to clear in step three, "identify and clear limiting beliefs," and you will uncover a very likely scenario of your own personal treadmill of bad relationships, limited funds or whatever you would like to overcome.

Honestly, I've been studying stuff like this for years, but huge bits snapped into place for me the other day when I was talking with another one of the coach-elect students.  As usual, I can explain everything a little bit more clearly, if I simply explain my situation to you.

Many of my limiting beliefs have tended to surround the notion of not being capable, not knowing what I'm doing, being incompetent, that sort of thing.  They stem from being asked to be responsible for things that were a little too grownup for me to be asked to handle when I was a child, combined with being mocked about my performance or told I hadn't done a good job.  At the same time, I realized that my most recent former ex had been a catalyst for some growth on that issue.  Some of the things he said during the break up were direct hits on that level, but it was only talking to this other person that I connected the notion of "how did that make me feel?"  After all, so what if I'm incapable?  What will happen if I don't know what I'm doing?

The emotion was fear of rejection.  If I don't know what I'm doing, I will be rejected.  Which, of course, as that relationship ended, I was.  And I resisted it big time.  So much so, I pretty much pushed him away.  I had let myself be open and vulnerable to someone, which was not something I had done very much in my life, and it ended with my own personal version of hell.  In other words, the thing I had resisted my entire life:  rejection.  I have been a people pleaser.  I have settled for less than I wanted in relationships.  I have sculpted myself into other people just to avoid being rejected.

For many of you reading this, it isn't new territory.  You already knew it.  Really, so did I, but sometimes it takes putting the pieces together and voicing them aloud to really understand.  But some of you haven't figured this out yet.  Humans are motivated by pain.  We will do anything to avoid it.  Once emotional pain has been triggered, we become automatons who run a program we have learned over time about how to handle it.  Perhaps we pick up a bottle or inject something in our veins.  Maybe we bully other people.  Maybe we sacrifice bits of our own uniqueness to simply make the discomfort go away.  Maybe we stuff ourselves with food until we have no more empty spaces to shove it into.

Ask yourself, "what don't I want, and why don't I want it?"  You will discover the negative carrots your destructive behavior feeds upon.  In the meantime, you can use another Achieve Today coach, Gil Mciff's Three Step Clearing Method to avoid becoming a slave to your emotions.  The principle is that our emotions take us out of the present moment and we run programs based on what we are feeling.  If we are running a program, we have become a victim and cannot make choices.

Three Step Clearing Method by Gil Mciff

Feeding what you want is natural and easy, you are already doing this in many ways.

The emphasis of this practice is focused on starving what you don't want by simply observing your emotions and thereby dis-identifying from being them.

Your habitual state of consciousness is the number one determinant of your personal circumstances.  The quality of your consciousness in this moment is the primary determinant of your future.  And what determines the quality of your consciousness is your degree of presence.  

Check in 10x a day with the question: "How am I feeling emotionally in my body right now?"

You can use a reminder app or alarm on your phone, sticky notes placed in random places, paint one fingernail different from the rest, wear your watch on the opposite wrist or upside down, or put a bandaid on your finger.  Every time this catches your attention, ask yourself, "Emotionally, how do I feel in my body right now?"

(A further suggestion my fellow coaching student told me was to do it every time you needed to use the toilet or took a drink of water.)

If there is ANY kind of negativity or if it is simply a lower emotion than you would like to be feeling, the fact is you did not choose it.  It's based on conditioned interpretation and is simply an old program running and it is time to do the following 3 steps:

(If you are feeling what you would like to be feeling then start with step 2.)

1.  Say These Specific Words - There it is.  That's not me.  That's a program.  

2.  Observe it deeply.  What physical and emotional sensations do I feel?  Where do I feel them?  Or simply I feel it (here,) it feels like (this.)  Realize who is doing this inquiring?

3.  Thank you for checking in.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  Thank you for no longer feeding the program.  Thank you for dis-identifying from the program, thank you for catching yourself and for no longer losing energy here.  Thank you for whatever you want to say thank you for.  I love you, I love you, I love you!

There it is.  That's not me.  That's a program.
I feel it here (location,) it feels like this (characteristics.)
Thank you for checking in, I love you I love you I love you.

These steps are not for the purpose of getting rid of the negative feeling (i.e. resisting and therefore feeding what we don't want.  That benefit may sometimes come with it, but this practice is more about implementing a new habit/program.  So every time you observe the emotion, it's an opportunity to do this practice without judgement.  It doesn't matter what emotion is there, what matters is that you simply observe it without giving it any meaning.  When this becomes habit you will have successfully reprogrammed the unconscious perpetuation of the old reaction with the automatic newly programmed conscious response.

It takes less than 30 seconds to do this practice.  30 seconds at 10x a day = 5 minutes
How many days will it take before this healthy response has become a new program for you?

Cleaning Up Our Acts

Over the weekend I went to an Achieve Today Sundance Retreat in Provo, Utah.  It is easily one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  In addition to hearing excellent inspiring presentations by some of the programs best life coaches, I got to meet one of my idols, Joe Vitale in person.  Not just in a fangirl,  "I love you Joe.  Could you please sign a copy of your book for me?" sort of way, but he spent enough time with us, shoulder to shoulder, I got to glimpse a little bit of his humanity.  In other words, I got to see a little bit of the "Joe" in me and a little bit of the "me" in Joe.  I got to realize and appreciate all of the reasons why he is my idol in the first place.  All of this happened while I was surrounded by other Achieve Today students.  Awhile back, after hearing about a World-of-Warcraft-loving-friend's Blizzcon experience, I told them I wished I could find whatever it was I needed to find in order to feel like I had found "my people."   This weekend I did that.  I met people I know I will be friends with for life.  I just can't say enough good things about the experience.  It is easily one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

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Sometimes, maybe after a retreat or a workshop, we wake up, look around, and realize it has been as if we have been living our lives in a drunken stupor.  We're thirty pounds larger.  Our debt is 20% deeper.  We look at our lives and we don't like what we see going on, but we have no idea how we got to this place or what to do about it.  I have had that moment so many times in my life.  I used to view it as a moment of shame, like I was suddenly witnessing what everyone else could see.  Angela Estes sitting in a pile of my own discarded trash, spittle on my chin, cake crumbs in my lap with only cats left for friends.  (Isn't it funny how we can overdramatize everything?)

Now I see it for what I believe it is.  Opportunity knocking.  As Joe Vitale or any one of the life coaches at Achieve Today would say, "in order to know what you want, you have to know what you don't want."  Those moments display what you don't want as if on a platter before you.  In other words, I don't want to be sitting in a pile of trash; I want to wipe off the spittle, vacuum up the crumbs and, while my cat Peabody and I have a relationship that is somehow more than owner and pet, I need human friends in my life.  Those moments are the crossroads where we need to be our own advocates.  We need to be a little bit selfish, focus on our needs and our wants and sometimes, make some life altering changes.  

It's a tricky situation because I believe it is selfishness that put us on that pile of rubble in the first place.  It is looking at life and thinking ours isn't good enough and will never be good enough.  It is receiving dessert and wondering why we always get the smallest slice.  It is sitting at a large table of people and becoming offended when the waiter misses us and forgets to ask what we want to drink.  It is becoming estranged from our life partner because we focus on how they have hurt us rather than asking ourselves how we have hurt them.  In short, it is picturing ourselves as "the victim."  

I didn't know it at the time, but my father once told me a story that perfectly embodies what I am trying to say.  My father was a Nuclear Scheduler at Mare Island Naval Shipyard.  Like anybody, he had preferences as to his work hours.  He had a bit of a longish commute and used a Mare Island "commute specific" bus to make life easier.  During one extended time period, when he had to work the swing shift instead of his preferred day shift and he was having to drive the entire commute himself, he was feeling a little put out and essentially while he wouldn't say it, I will.  He became "the victim."  In order to make his situation more bearable, he started stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home and buying a milk shake for the rest of the drive.  Then, of course, he woke one morning and had problems buttoning the top button of his pants and swore off ice cream forever.  Until the next time.  

I think victimhood is the ground floor to the downward elevator called "bad decisions."  We feel bad.  We feel bad and we want to feel better RIGHT NOW.  We demand instant gratification.  We may not tell ourselves we deserve to be happy or have the life of our dreams, but it is easy to say, "I've had a hard time here.  I deserve that designer pair of shoes."  How can we more easily tell a bad decision from a good decision?  A bad decision feeds the moment, whereas a good decision feeds the lifetime.

That's a tricky situation too because I believe the way to escape telling yourself you're a victim is to ground yourself in the moment.  Because really, you may think you are reacting to something in the moment when you're victimizing yourself, but aren't you really just revisiting a long list of grievances?  All of those bad things happened in your past, but when we are wearing a victim's mindset, we see them constantly reoccurring whether they truly are or not.  In other words, we spend our days looking to be offended.  For instance, let's take that poor busy, harried waiter trying to take drink orders for a large table of people.  The victim's mindset can make you actually believe that out of a table of twenty or more people he singled you out to slight as not being worthy enough of choosing a beverage!  (Isn't it funny how important we can make ourselves while telling ourselves we are unimportant?)  No one at that table knows all your baggage and judges you for it.  It is YOU who knows your baggage and judges you for it.  While you judge yourself for it, you believe you are undeserving.  While you believe you are undeserving, your heart aches like a cut with dirt in it, but instead of actually cleaning it out, you buy designer handbags and milkshakes to bandage the wound and you wonder why it is still festering time and time again.

You need to stop.  Take a big breath in.  As Janeen Detrick, an executive coach at Achieve Today, frequently suggests "Touch something around you and tell it thank you."  Perhaps the chair you are sitting on.  Breathe in the air of the moment deeply and slowly.  Feel the way the chair is supporting you.  Is there a cushion?  Is it soft and envelopes you?  Or is it cushion-less, but strong, solid and durable?  Really notice everything that surrounds you.  Rather than always noticing the sudden burst of car alarms or horns honking, what about the birds singing or the breezes whispering in between them.  Why not thank the chair for being there to allow you to sit rather than stand?  Why not bathe yourself in the gratitude of all the beautiful sounds, smells and sights that surround you.  As Eckhart Tolle says, "The past has no power over the present moment."  Peace and piece of mind are always waiting for you, grounded in the present moment.

Fully present and in NOW, you have a better chance of making good decisions.  The discord and discomfort of victimhood frequently makes us feel like we have to act hastily.  "I can't bear this and have to bandage this bad old thing RIGHT NOW!."  A calm mind sees choices and decisions as simply a variety of paths and opportunities.  There is no right one that is a cure all.  There is no wrong one that destroys your life.  Every choice is either a blessing and a joy or a lesson learned which can help you better fine tune your future choices.

Let's think again about my father and his swing shift commute.  There's nothing wrong with him stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home and having a milk shake.  I'm a firm believer in occasionally treating yourself to wonderful tasty things like ice cream.  In fact, I had a milk shake just last night myself.  But if you treat yourself like that every day, you can not only gain unwanted weight and damage your health, you can suck the very joy out of a "treat."  How many days of milk shakes does it take to strip them right down to habit and routine?  Meanwhile, there are so many things he could have chosen to do that could have fed his future rather than just his resentment about the drive home.  He could have:

1.  Listened to a book on tape that would have entertained him and made the time seem like nothing.  It would have not only lightened the trip home, but the trip to work as well.
2.  Listened to a book on tape that could have taught him skills to use at his current job or towards getting a different one.
3.  As the only one in the car, he could have chosen to make a stop each day to enjoy the view or take a little time to meditate.
4.  As the only one in the car, he could have chosen a variety of routes and explore different and new sceneries.
5.  Even if he couldn't have ridden on the commuter bus he used normally, he could have pursued creating a network of friends who could trade off driving and riding when they were stuck on the other shifts.

.... and those are just a few off the top of my head.

The first step to truly "cleaning up our acts" is learning to make choices from a calm mind grounded in the present moment free of victimhood and past resentments.